JOKES
JOKES - Quotes from the papers of Tom "Grandpa" Glennon
Paul Brock:
“Today’s doctors tell us that hearty laugh is great exercise. When you emit an explosive guffaw, they say, your diaphragm descends deep into your body and your lungs expand, greatly increasing the amount of oxygen being taken into them. At the same time, as it expands sideways, the diaphragm gives your heart a gentle, rhythmic massage. That noble organ responds by beating faster and harder. Circulation speeds up. Liver, stomach, pancreas, spleen and gall bladder are all stimulated - your entire system gets an invigorating lift. All of which confirms what that sage old Greek, Aristotle, said about laughter more than 2000 years ago: ‘It is a bodily exercise precious to health.’”
“What is the longest and yet the shortest?
The swiftest and yet the slowest.
All of us neglect it. Then we all regret it.
Nothing can be done without it
It swallows up all that is small
And it builds up all that is great.”
(answer = time)
President Roosevelt - “Mayor Jimmy Walker - Why does an Irishman always answer a question with another question?” Mayor Walker replied - “Do they now?”
There are 56 words in the Lord’s Prayer.
There are 266 words in Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.
The Ten Commandments have a total of 297 words.
There are 300 words in the Declaration of Independence.
And the latest report on the price of cabbage from the U.S. department of agriculture contained 26,911 words.
(ad Poster American Legion-Chicago, Ill.) Wanderer
“At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. ‘Paddy,’ he asked causally; ‘didn’t you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?’ ‘That I did, sir.’ ‘And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren’t divided equally, are they?’ ‘No, that they ain’t sir,’ agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the plaster along the line of bricks. ‘Me poor brother couldn’t do this to save his life!’”
“‘Ah, this is the life!’ sighed the chubby old-timer who had just cashed his unemployment check and was now in the kitchen, comfortable attired in his undershirt and quaffing beer. ‘What more could a man ask for? I’ve got a wife and a TV set---and they’re both working.’”
“An Englishman and an Irishman were in the midst of a heated discussion! ‘Why is it,’ demanded the Englishman in exasperation, ‘that you Irish always fight for land, land, land, while we English just fight for honor?’ ‘I suppose,’ retorted the Irishman, ‘that we each fight for what we most lack.’”
Paul Brock:
“Today’s doctors tell us that hearty laugh is great exercise. When you emit an explosive guffaw, they say, your diaphragm descends deep into your body and your lungs expand, greatly increasing the amount of oxygen being taken into them. At the same time, as it expands sideways, the diaphragm gives your heart a gentle, rhythmic massage. That noble organ responds by beating faster and harder. Circulation speeds up. Liver, stomach, pancreas, spleen and gall bladder are all stimulated - your entire system gets an invigorating lift. All of which confirms what that sage old Greek, Aristotle, said about laughter more than 2000 years ago: ‘It is a bodily exercise precious to health.’”
“What is the longest and yet the shortest?
The swiftest and yet the slowest.
All of us neglect it. Then we all regret it.
Nothing can be done without it
It swallows up all that is small
And it builds up all that is great.”
(answer = time)
President Roosevelt - “Mayor Jimmy Walker - Why does an Irishman always answer a question with another question?” Mayor Walker replied - “Do they now?”
There are 56 words in the Lord’s Prayer.
There are 266 words in Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.
The Ten Commandments have a total of 297 words.
There are 300 words in the Declaration of Independence.
And the latest report on the price of cabbage from the U.S. department of agriculture contained 26,911 words.
(ad Poster American Legion-Chicago, Ill.) Wanderer
“At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. ‘Paddy,’ he asked causally; ‘didn’t you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?’ ‘That I did, sir.’ ‘And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren’t divided equally, are they?’ ‘No, that they ain’t sir,’ agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the plaster along the line of bricks. ‘Me poor brother couldn’t do this to save his life!’”
“‘Ah, this is the life!’ sighed the chubby old-timer who had just cashed his unemployment check and was now in the kitchen, comfortable attired in his undershirt and quaffing beer. ‘What more could a man ask for? I’ve got a wife and a TV set---and they’re both working.’”
“An Englishman and an Irishman were in the midst of a heated discussion! ‘Why is it,’ demanded the Englishman in exasperation, ‘that you Irish always fight for land, land, land, while we English just fight for honor?’ ‘I suppose,’ retorted the Irishman, ‘that we each fight for what we most lack.’”