Oregon 2005 March
3/1 9pm
Mom is here--she had some rough times at Susan's this afternoon--but has been very civil here tonight. We had dinner, made cookies, did dishes, watched TV--chatted with Diane-she seem more adjusted than last time--but it may not last--but it may last too--love to all Margaret
3/2 5:30pm
Mom is in a good mmooood today--she had fun with Sara--and she played monopoly with Joel and was all smiles when I got home--right now she is down at the grocery store selling girl scout cookies with Kathy and Shelby---and she did not understand why I did not want to go---much more accepting of her time here--so far---she was up allot last night though--wondering where "Tom" was--like every hour---ugh---love Margaret
3/3 6pm
Worked half day today--Joel stayed with grandma they did excellent together--Shelby came home from school sick today--Mom and I watched here--had a few tenses Moments--but overall a pretty good day-not s good as the last 2 days--but definitely better than the last time she stayed here--her legs are sore today and she is tired--so am I!!!_-- Love to all Margaret-
3/5 12:10pm
Rough night--up allot--went through the whole mantra--over and over and over again--from 1AM--2: 30 AM--where am I here?--it is not fair--take me home--I will be good--I will not keep your father awake--I don’t do that---I cook for him--I clean for him--he needs me--I’d rather die than be here--did your father agree to this--why what happened--where is my husband--I am not sick--he is sick and I need to be there for my man--who is going to cook for him--and over and over and over again--dean god help me--she would say--and say and say--she has no recollection of any of it--but it was intense for a bit---then up and down all night for bathroom breaks--gave her some kava kava--but she was too restless-- will give her earlier tonight--she will be tired enough to sleep-hopefully--this am doing pretty good--had a shower--(remember Diane)
Kathy is coming over around 3pm or later to take her to her house for a bit--then to CCD for Shelby and church. I should get her back around 6:30. Kathy stopping by to see Dad for St. Patrick days stuff for girls scouts--and will check on him--chatted on phone --he sound fine---so now we are just hanging out--and waiting and going through the why am I here routine--but with much less emphasis than during her sleep—I am not doing a spell check --so read on—love Margaret
3/6 9AM
better night last night--I slept well cause I was soo tired--mom woke me up at 12:20 AM-shaking my bed telling me to get up for church--she was naked except for underpants and was trying to get dressed in her sleep--I was quite surprised when I saw her standing there half naked--but she quickly got her nightgown on and went back to bed---
then she woke me up a second time cause she was cold---
unusual for me cause I always hear her toss and turn--but I was out last night and it is good to know she would wake me up--if she needed something---
went to bed last night asking for dad---
woke up this morning asking where tom was---but at least not pursuing the topic---
love Margaret--later
Noon:
mom and I headed to Medford for some shopping--nice sunny day--love Margaret
3/7 7:15pm
mom was up at 5:30 this AM and stayed up all day--was real grouchy late afternoon/early evening--I am giving her natural sleep remedies tonight--they better work--her ankles are looking swollen at night--but better in the AM--
dad has follow-up appointment for him with his naturopath doctor in Ashland tomorrow--he is going alone--mom and I will stay in RR--Sarah will watch her on Wednesday--and I will take her back to Grant Pass Wednesday afternoon-a a day later than we originally planned--but think we can swing it just fine--
good night--love Margaret
3/8 8:12 pm
mom and I going to bed--she stayed in RR for an extra night cause I had stuff to do---Sarah watched her today and will again tomorrow so I can work half day--dad paying grandkids 10 bucks an hour--great incentive for them-they are jumping in to help-----
had a pretty good day--just soo tired of repeating the same stuff over and over again--so I wrote some of it down and now I tell her to read her notebook----had another shower today--she enjoys them even though she complains about them--chatted with Diane she booked a short trip in April and a longer one in may---thank you Diane--found a swell deal on the internet---good night—love Margaret
3/9 3pm
mom and I are heading back to grants pass in a hour or soo-can't find her wallet anywhere---so are searching here and there--
hopefully it will all go well with dad and she won't read him the riot act---
she is moving slow and I think her mind deteriorated this week--but she is also tired today---love Margaret
3/11 2:44pm
no repercussion from staying at my house with dad and m mom--she hasn't mentioned except for once-when dad said she looked tired and she responded that it was because she was on vacation--some vacation , I thought---she was really confused when she got back to her house and kept asking --now who lives here--and was she really home--but she has re--acclimated wellll--
Thursday morning she woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was grouchy all day long--she took a nap about 3PM and dad and I said thank god--she kept accusing me--Margaret Ann of stealing her computer and anything else I could get a hold of in her house--that's why I stayed there so much she kept saying--I had some short and sweet answer that I --repeated 1,000 times that day--the today-Friday she asked me again why I took her computer--I reminded her that it was Jon’s—and she laughed about her and dad being behind the times--now we are in RR And she is having a fit because we are waiting for Shelby--I am causally ignoring her--a trick I learned from Susan!!!
earlier we went to bi-mart and finished some school shopping for me--she needs to go to St. Vincent's next week--Diane---dad wanted me to take her for pants--but every time we got close she said she was too tired--gave her a diuretic yesterday and her ankles look much much better--gotta run--Diane arrive s 7:37 PM Saturday night---love margaret
Sent: Mar 12, 2005 4:18 PM
From Margaret
It is 4:15 PM and here we are in RR--Mom is going to the airport tonight to get Diane. She wanted to go real bad and now that we are here in RR, she wants to go home. No dice--she is going to the airport. I will feed her and she will feel better. I do feel bad for her--her right knee is really sore today and her walking is pretty bad. Kathy and Shelby have offered to go to airport and get Diane--so either Mom will go with them--or she can sit here and rest till they get back--either way--welcome to Oregon Diane!!!
This AM Mom and I went to an auction by her house--I had fun--but she got bored early on--so off to price chopper again--had to get yogurt and pineapple in for Diane. Dad said she wouldn't stay unless those items were in the house --also bought veggies for Diane to make a salad for the folks--Dad said she likes to do that too!
Diane takes over email tomorrow—
love to all
Margaret
I'll have NO email while at Mom's -- how will I survive????
Grabbed an opportunity when Mom suggested we ride over to Margaret's and visit at her house. Margaret and Lori were sitting at the table with us visiting We were ALL surprised but liked the idea. Of course Mom questioned why we were going a few more times while on the way over. Then she wanted reassurance the we were just visiting -- that Margaret didn't expect her to stay the night -- and that we would return before the dark because she remembered last week Dad was driving her in the dark and she was SCARED. I reassured her and then she came up with a cute idea -- let's stop at Margaret's, say hi while we're in the car and leave!! She giggled. She said we would just drive around the block and then go visit. Actually -- Margaret met us at the car and whisked Mom off for a milk and bank run while I enjoy the computer in a quiet house.
Mom's walking is yucky compared to last month. She says it's much better then last week. Glad I'm here this week then! Actually, I'm just glad to be here anytime.
I'll be writing on my laptop (without email connection) and send it out when I return -- late the 21st.....
wow -- they're back already......gotta run....
luv to all,
Diane
From Diane:
--three days later or so --
I haven’t written since I’ve been here. I have no access to email and it was disappointing and frustrating in the beginning since I was expecting an internet connection. The Service Center at Foster Farms couldn’t fix it via this modem hookup. I can work for FF via the 800 number and that is the main purpose of having their computer! After awhile, my disappointment changed to gratitude since I’m disconnected from another ‘thing’ to do. But the pressure is building…..I’ve been here a few days. Margaret & Susan have been so good with keeping us informed that I feel I need to keep it up…..so I better start a journal….here it goes….
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!! Mom & I wore green stickers on our clothes and met Margie and Mildred (Al-Anon friend and her 89 year old beginning dementia Mother) for lunch at Black Forest. The Moms were both hard of hearing but managed quite well. Mildred is saving a quilt she made for the next time she sees Mom. We’re invited to their one-acre property with 18 angora rabbits. They cut the fur; spin the yarn and crochet/knit stuff. Twice a month, a spinning group has demonstrations at the Rogue River Library.
Mom & I enjoyed the sunshine, walked to Gottschalk’s and went in and out of most the stores on the strip.
Dad was still eating breakfast when we returned (2pm ish). I told Dad that Mom thoroughly enjoyed the company of someone her age and I would try to arrange something else to stimulate her mind. He agreed with the idea. I found a senior resources directory in ‘the’ caregiver’s bedroom dresser drawer and contacted a few places under respite care hoping to set up something to try tomorrow. I made phone calls using my cell phone (how did I ever live without one?) while using Mom’s phone for the 800 number and getting some Foster Farms work done. No luck for quick answers.
Mom watched an Irish movie, took a nap and sewed up a pair of pants. I can imagine buying clothes at St Vincent’s, cutting off the bottoms and asking Mom to sew them up for me. The following week I’d cut them off at the knees, ask her to sew them, and then use them as a rag – wild ideas to create a feeling of usefulness…..similar to Margaret’s great idea of putting folded towels in the drying and asking Mom to fold some nice warm clothes.
Dinner – cauliflower, asparagus, tilapia, organic noodles with organic pasta sauce. Dad was exercising in backyard and not hungry yet. We chopped radishes for him. He enjoyed interesting combos later (potato soup, radish, pasta sauce!). I had acupuncture treatment – invigorating. Chatted with Margaret on cell phone. Heard about an email from Susan. Discussed possibilities. I think Mom has gone downhill. Needs help getting out of chairs all but twice since I’ve been here. She gets out of bed most of the time by self (4 out of 5 times) – which is about how often she’s up every night.
Anyway – after greeting Mom, I put stuff in my bedroom, she feel asleep so I grabbed the opportunity to talk with Dad. Conversation went something like: I told him that I chatted with Margaret on the way home and that Susan wasn’t going to be available so much with Sean’s baby here and her trying to catch up with work and that maybe it was time to hire someone to cover Monday and Friday day shifts so Margaret & Sue wouldn’t get so burned out and to extend the use of sick leave. He said okay – they’re going to make the arrangements aren’t they? I said I’m sure they would. How about 8 to 4pm? He thought 8am might be too early. We discussed Mom making herself tea but Dad said that he gets up with Mom if no one is here (like when Margaret works ½ days). I said Margaret still wants to work Thursday mornings ½ days. He said we’ve been doing it for awhile now anyway.
He tracked me down later during the evening – to say the note (from Susan to check for respite care) that he told me to ignore was said because he thought I had my hands full enough for the short time I was here – not that he wasn’t interested in the information. He later gave me a number where he called for lawn service (senior service in county) and asked me to gather information about respite care, how much, short notice, one night, long term, day activities like I was looking for, etc…..
10:30pm – Dad’s been in bed 30 minutes already. Mom went at 9pm – up at 10 when dad was getting ready….
My turn for some sleep….
3-18-05
Last three nights have been similar – Mom up at least three times within the first four hours of her going to bed. Then we sleep for four or five hours before I hear her again. She gets up two more times before it’s time to stay up Example: bed at 8:30pm. Bathroom at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, 4am, 7am, stay up at 8:30am. It took me two nights to get tuned into the normal night sounds. The good thing is that she usually needs help only once or twice a night. What surprised me this visit is how much help she needs getting out of any chair she’s sitting on. She probably only gets up by herself once or twice a day. Occasionally she asks Dad to help and, when he does it with me, he sometimes limps as he goes back to doing whatever he was doing. So – Dad looks & acts MUCH better most of the time but not enough to assist Mom by himself for any length of time unless she perks up again. It really is one day at a time.
Breakfast this morning was in the dining room. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that Dad eats his snacks in the dining room once Mom is in bed – so Mom isn’t bothered by the light (Dad says). I like having the noise further away. It’s much easier to tune out. We’ve been enjoying oatmeal with dehydrated peaches (ripped into tiny pieces) and raisins lately. Mom told me to take a shower first so I did (after trying to get her to go first!). Then it was her turn and she kept her word (with some joking, etc). I’m glad she thought her hair was dirty for the second time this week. As I was helping her get dried I had a returned phone call from senior services so Dad took over the job of helping Mom. Mom was stuck on the idea that she had to go to Margaret’s and stay for three weeks every month. Dad was very patient but the subject was going round and round with no relief. When I got in the bathroom Dad was down on the floor drying Mom’s feet. I sat on the bath chair (without thinking), jumped up and excitedly said “the towel is WET!!” My surprise caused enough distraction to move onto another subject. Thank God. The conversation started at breakfast and she hung on to the fear for quite awhile. Flip side – waking up from her nap today she wouldn’t believe me that she was in her own house and in Grants Pass.
Where did Dad’s patience come from? Mary sent two books about Alzheimer’s and caregivers to me for all of us who get to Oregon. I read them, highlighted many sections, and gave them to Dad when I arrived. He told me to put them in the drawer in the ‘guest’ room with the other dementia paperwork. Three days later he started to read one and is gobbling it up. Thank you Mary!!!
After the shower, I went for a ‘walk’ and sat on the grass by the school making phone calls on my cell. I’m gathering information on senior services and will type ‘em up when I hopefully get the last pieces on Monday.
I’m hopping around in sequence – oh well…Our outing today was to look for summer shorts at thrift shops. I enjoy walking around downtown Grants Pass so went on another ‘adventure’ with Mom. We paid for the ultimate wash job for Mom’s car but the line was too long to wait. We parked near a coffee shop downtown. The entrance wasn’t good for a wheelchair so we went across the street to some bakery/café. They had a shrimp Caesar salad that Mom has been raving about all afternoon and evening. She thinks it was a Mexican restaurant due (I think) to the bold colored walls inside. Some well dressed young man (Mom noticed him earlier) left his lunch to open the door as we left. He bent down and told Mom that she had a beautiful smile. He touched my shoulder and thanked me for taking care of her. Dad had fun teasing Mom about whether the man was trying to pick her up. Mom giggled and smiled. We walked in and out of stores for about two hours. Found one pair of shorts, a wooden sign “wash your hands –Mom says so” that I’ll hang in the bathroom, and a purple scarf for my Red Hat Society days.
We rested. Mom napped. I did some more laundry. Mom surprised me by being willing to go back out. We got the car washed (which is fun for her) and drove from the exit on the north side of Grants Pass to Rogue River. The scenery was gorgeous. A storm was brewing. The sky was striking. We returned Shelby’s purple jacket that she left in Grandma’s car and needed for they’re ‘vacation’ tomorrow. Kathy, Shelby, Sara & Evan are going to pick up Joey and spend a few days in Seattle, WA. Shelia is going to drive a U-Haul down to Kathy’s house and move in for awhile. Shelia is transferred to Costco in Medford starting after Easter. Dan is coming down later (or sooner). Mom was stuck on the purple jacket and wondered why Shelby didn’t use the one she brought with fur on it. I carried Shelby’s three purple jackets from Kathy’s house to the car to show Mom that Shelby LIKED purple and still had the jacket from her Grandma that she would use next year. Mom talked about the purple jackets through out the night – wondering if we had them here, etc. Amazing how the facts just flitter in and out, get altered and twisted. Keeping answers simple, calm and loving seems the easiest way to keep peace. Too much information is confusing. No need to change Mom’s sense of reality if it would cause her chaos. Distraction/redirecting focus is best defense against the negative reactions (music, singing, colorful flowers, pretty trees, sun shining, dinner plans, etc.).
Dad just gave Mom three homeopathic sleep pills with instructions to let them dissolve under her tongue and not drink anything for fifteen minutes. She happily agreed. She chewed the pills and then drank some water. Tomorrow night maybe we’ll have a contest to see who can leave it under your tongue the longest.
We watched Judy Garland and friends, played racko (or moved some cards in and out of the slots!), started a second Judy tape. Mom wanted to shut Judy off because she just found out that Judy died about ten years ago (Dad’s answer to Mom’s question). Mom was sad that she died when she looked so young and healthy (1963 video) and said she doesn’t like to watch, or hear, anyone who’s dead.
I’ve been rubbing Mom’s legs at least once a day. I also rubbed her head tonight because she said it was itchy. She loves having her head scratched and went to bed content. Thirty minutes later, she’s back in the living room, sitting in her chair and reading the Argentina itiniery for the fifth time. Thanks Tom for sending it. Mom loves to know what’s going on and feel a part of it. Of course she thinks she reading it for the first time each time. Dad’s finished his mail and is ready to eat. He’s been going to bed around 10pm every night – sure is different from his LATE nights in past visits!
Brother Tom story – Mom has a red flannel blanket that she says belongs to her son Tom. She was saving it for him. I think I remember buying it with her at Goodwill. When she’d mention that she was saving the blanket for her son (every time she saw it), I’d tell her that her son wants her to use it until he comes and visits. One night she was panicking about not knowing where her husband and son were. I put the red blanket on her and told her she was wrapped in love from her son and her husband was eating in the dining room. It took a few minutes but eventually calmed her. She now uses the blanket every night (down comforter to big she says). Today (Sat) she told me Tom told her to use the blanket. I put in on her walker in the day so she can cover herself when she gets cold. We’re getting ready to go to a heart-to-heart class in Rogue River. Raven will make tea and soup. Then we’ll visit Margaret and I’ll get to email! Yippee…..better get dressed…
Class was interesting to me. Mom enjoyed chatting with lady that sat next to her but not the 1 1/2 hr lecture. Raven had lots of info and humor but Mom has a hard time tracking even simple TV shows now. I was behind her. We both enjoyed the food -- kale salad and apple crisp. After class, Mom's knees were stiff and she fell back into the door jam while trying to get into the car. My knee made it under part of her to soften the blow. She was scared but not hurt. Dave & I looked at the car - it's impossible to get more leg room available for Mom. Dave did change a break light for Mom. Grandpa Dave and Grandma Sue --lovely titles!!
Mom is obsessed wanting to go home -- Margaret does wonderful with trying to distract her but it's not working well now.....blame it on Diane who needs to get some work done on the computer!!
Future? We missed the return phone call from the county for respite info. Will call back first thing Monday am.
Have made arrangements for Mom to go to co-op every/any Friday with or w/o caregiver but it's only from 100-12:30PM. Have info about senior volunteers who come to keep her company a few hours a week (but no personal care). Progress -- not perfection. Margaret is comfortable with info and has plans for next week. Enjoy your grandchild Susan.
Gotta go -- more after I return to CA.
What a yucky night. No matter what I said, Mom was mad at me. When it was time to eat dinner, she finally went into the living room and took a ten minute nap. She was rejuvenated for awhile (had tea, chocolate, watched ice skating while crocheting) but went downhill quickly as she was going to bed. She went to the bathroom and came back to the kitchen ‘to get a drink’. She bypassed the water and juice on the table and went walking around the dining room table looking for her nightgown. She told Dad she couldn’t find hers in the bedroom (even though she hadn’t been there). To her credit – the laundry was finishing drying around the dining room table chairs. I carried her pink nightgown to the dining room. She started rearranging knick knacks and questioning whose laundry was on the chairs. I gathered up the laundry and asked her to carry them to the bedroom so I could put it away. Dad was frustrated because he had just hit his leg on the coffee table and Mom was being a royal pain. I felt like hollering at her a few times today. She was exhausted and I think forgot the process of how to go to bed. I walked with her and got her into her nightie while sitting on her bed instead of the chair. I called Margaret – who is full of great ideas and knows exactly how I’m feeling – she gets Mom changed while she’s in the bathroom sometimes. Ankles are swollen – will check if diuretic in pills in am.
Mom in bed 8:30 – Dad by 9:30. It’s 10:09pm now – Mom’s been up once. Saw my bedroom light, went for a drink in the kitchen. Sat at the table, drank juice, ate the yucky saltines, called for Tom to help her up. Was mad at him since I showed up instead. Insisted that he should be helping her. Told her he needs to rest so he can help you during the day. She asked me where the bathroom was. I turned on the big bathroom light and told her to follow the light. She told me to go to bed, she’d be okay (the martyr). I told her I was waiting until she was in bed first. She thanked me (the grateful lass) and said goodnight. God, I hope it will be a good night!
Monday 3/21/05 8am
Getting Mom to bed was different last night. She started at 8:30pm and took 1 ½ hours to get there. I helped her get her nightgown on while she sat in the bathroom. Her ankles were good this morning but swollen again tonight even though the diuretic worked nicely during the day compared to the last few days. Instead of going to bed though, she returned to the kitchen where the light and some noise were. She wanted something hot and was insulted when I gave her hot water out of the faucet. Dad offered her rice pudding but she insisted that it couldn’t be warmed up even though he told her that he does it all the time. So I made her oatmeal and tea while I finished the dishes from the barley/black bean/leek/celery/spinach/squash soup that we made an hour before. Maybe it was too much activity at night but I wanted to leave Mom some soup since Dad didn’t want potato soup so soon again and we just finished cleaning out the refrigerator. Once Mom got back into bed, she was NOT comfortable. Dad & I spent time trying to arrange her nightgown just right. We almost cut a slit down the side but it’s new and warm. Anything we did was wrong. Dad said dammit when he strained himself and she was insulted that he cussed ‘at her’. When she woke up an hour later to go to the bathroom, I gave her a kava. Didn’t seem to phase her pattern of getting up often. I’m glad I’m going home today to get a good night’s sleep. Care giving really needs to be a team rotating in and out. At the sizzler yesterday Mom told Dad that he should sleep in the other room so she wouldn’t be waking him up so much. He said he would probably switch with Margaret this week and try it – just swap blankets and pillows.
Besides the nighttime and the few hours I’ve detailed above, the rest of the day was very pleasant.
Tuesday 3AM --
I'm home and loving it. I went to bed at 8pm and feel wonderful after sleeping more then a few hours in a row..... think I'll go try again when I finish this. Above rambling is all I typed between the last email and leaving Mom & Dad. Seems like I needed to record more of the yucky times this trip to help process them. There were many fun & upbeat times in between. One of 'em: Driving home from the cemetery on the way home from dinner at the Sizzler, we passed the cemetery. Mom said she hoped to be buried there because they kept such good care of the grounds. Dad said he might save a buck and bury her in the back yard. Mom had fun promising to come back and haunt Dad every day. I told Dad to watch out because Mom was the bargain hunter and he might be buried in the back yard. He said he didn't care -- dead is dead. Mom said what a strange thing to talk about but we were all chuckling.
I also asked Dad why he always reminds us to lock the doors when we're driving. He said maybe because he was thrown from the police radio car and broke his collar bone. Around the same time -- they had just moved into a new house in Hollis (house before Middle Village home). He was driving home with the back seat full of groceries. The car door opened and the groceries went all over the road. Then, of course, they didn't want any kids falling out over the years!
Talk to ya all when I return to Oregon April 6-12 and May 4-14. Great airfare internet specials -- might as well use up vacation time.
Good night!
3/19/05 4pm
Mom and Diane just left--mom's walking is the worst that I have ever seen--she says her knees hurt a lot---and that is obvious--
wonderful to have Diane here!!!!!
Love Margaret
3/21 7:39pm
Diane is home and Margaret has mom---in RR---mom does not understand why she is here--she tells me that I am lying to her because she ca n take care of herself and she should be at home--so we move on--she is sleeping in this room--so good night all do not want to wake her with my typing --will write in the AM--love Margaret
3/22 7:30 am
we had one hell of a night here in Rogue River--mom was soo confused--she talked half of the night in her sleep and was up to the bathroom the other half--then of course spent time adjusting the damn nightgown--which as Diane said --you can never get it right!!!--I also gave her a Tylenol for leg pain-which had no results--drove me crazy--but we maintained-I even moved to another room so I could ignore her----now is it 7:20 AM and we have been up for about 40 minutes--she is getting dressed--and of course wants to go home---but we will have a good breakfast and hang out for while--I hear my neighbor Susan is home--with brain--I am sure they will come up and visit us- today--got to go help her get dressed--happy spring break to all us Oregonians!!!! love Margaret
her mind is worse than a week ago and her walking stinks--her knees hurt her a lot and she walks pathetically slow--
Research:
A. R.S.V.P. (Retired and Senior Volunteer Program) 955-5547
--Spoke with Joy. She's very friendly and understanding. Is sending Dad some info and the 2005 Senior Resources Directory. We already have the 2004 version.
--They sponsor a Friday Co-op. Held at Bethany Presbyterian Church, 5th and A street (748 NW 5th St) Grants Pass from 10am to 12:30pm (but not Easter week). Barbara is the head volunteer 474-3893. She already pre-screened us and Mom can start going April 1. You do NOT have to commit. It’s okay to show up or not show up. Many caregivers stay with their loved one and help other loved ones whose caregivers take the opportunity to run errands. It’s very flexible and fun – easy memory games, gentle chair aerobics, fellowship with each other (strokes, dementia, Parkinson, variety of loved ones). Usually about 15-20 people. Every 3rd Friday the caregivers go in a separate room for a support group facilitated by the same person every month. Barbara has Dad’s address and will send a schedule for the months that they get one typed up. There is also a reminder phone call the day before (ex. March – remember to wear green!). She has Dad’s, Margaret & Susan’s home phone number. Bathroom care – Joy said none (official stand), Barbara said yes (reality of volunteers).
--Senior companions (I’m a little confused on who sponsors this one)
A. A volunteer senior come to your home a few hours a week for companionship only.
No personal care. Will play cards, read, watch TV, talk, etc. with Mom.
B. Senior Disability Services 474-3110 (run by Rogue Valley Counsel of Governors)
Screeners change every day – spoke to Bonnie finally who will send lots of stuff to Dad. Services available based on complex financial equations. Told her Dad had about $3,000 monthly income, $30K in bank and owned own home. She seemed to think it was worth pursuing. Then can help with variety of resources. Their office is the same building that Dad goes and exercises (end of Vine , long red building, entry in back parking lot).
C. OPI – Oregon Private Independent – private pay respite care – Bonnie will send info to Dad since she couldn’t find number of two women who coordinate it.
D. Spring Point – sending medical release form to Susan to get completed. Needs a new one every year before we can bring Mom over for activities at hourly rate.
E. Alzheimer’s’ support group – 474-2202
Meets every 3rd Thursday at 1:30pm in Grants Pass Community Center 4th and L st. Contact Scealle Duckworth (pronounced Sea Ally). She was not there when I called.
3/22 8am
Diane,
It is such a privilege to be part of the days and nights with the ailing parents.
There humor...obstinacy and struggles are precious.
Thanks for all that you do ....
I will check the internet for my June trip
Peace,
Tom
3/22 6:30pm
here we are still in RR--Susan went and visited with dad today--I went for a foot massage for an hour--Jon won it a fire awards banquet---the rest of the day spent answering mom's questions and helping her in and out of chair--and cooking and doing dishes--and we made an angel food cake---and basically just hung out--it has been a long day--hope the night goes by well--I gave mom some natural relaxants for tonight-- hopefully they will work--she took several cat naps today and said to me--why don't you sleep during the day--well, mom--it just isn't as easy for me--okay-she is napping again now---6:20 ish---
love to all
Margaret-
3/23 4:19pm
mom woke up in a great mood--after only 4 ups and downs last night--but as we ate breakfast the conversation quickly changed to where is tom? why am I here? why can't I go home and on and on and on---
she had her massage with raven--Susan gave her a nice sponge bath for that---and kept her at her house all afternoon--
now she is back with me--we are going to make cookies and dinner---
her walking is vastly improved today--you would be amazed Diane--she walked over to Susan and back up--very independent and well--yesterday she would not have been able to do that---don't know why it is better today--but it is----
call if you want, mary--we will be here---love Margaret
3/23 7:08pm
I do not recognize this pleasant happy and agreeable woman who is with me tonight---she has been a gem---for the past 3 hours--now we are starting into the why am I staying here routine--o well we should be sleeping soon--love to all Margaret
3/24 6:47pm
that’s because she gave me grief all day...she was worn out...enjoy...hope you sleep.......q
3/24 7:22pm
mom is excited-- she is going home sometime tomorrow--my plan is to get up--eat--do some grocery shopping and take her back to grants pass---she is in a good mood now and still up and awake---we had some tense moments today-here at my house and Susan had her share while she kept her toooo----her walking is till better today than earlier in the week---Diane you would be happy to seethe mobility improved--she again walked from my house to Susan’s and back up again--good for her---
all is wellll--i chat again--not for a day or 2--I will be in GP without a computer--am thinking of taking one from my classroom this weekend and hooking it up there--we will see-love Margaret
3/25 9:20am
do not tell your children you are going to Disneyland the night before---
e--gads!!!!
last night, I told mom I would take her home in the morning--well at 10PM after about an hour and half sleep--she was up--is it morning yet--can we go home?
no mom--it is night time---after some time--okay I’ll go back to bed-
-up again around 1AM--I’m ready to go Margaret--are you?? no mom--it is only 1 AM--go back to sleep--"I can't sleep--I want to go home---yikes!!!!
4AM rolls around--and she is up again--ready to go--where are my clothes-- I can't wait any longer she says--who cares if we go early and wake dad up---double yikes!!!!!! and on and on and on---so till about 6 AM we tossed and turned and rattled and rolled---I told her I was not getting out of bed till 7AM--so she said I will be a good girl and just lay here--but hurry up---well the time dragged--we are up and ready to go--but first we are going grocery shopping--in Medford---so we be in GP mid afternoon---
what an evening—love Margaret
3/25 1:54pm the ultimate:
when it got time to leave this AM--mom said I really don't want to go with you--I will just stay here---I was flabbergasted and went for a walk--came back and told her let's go and she said okay----
amazing--love Margaret
3/27 12:37pm
we are having our share of rain these last few days--a real downpour this day--anyway--got a few hours break today--Kathy and Shelby went to church with the folks and Susan going out to eat with them--
yesterday Helen and I took mom to the movies--million dollar baby--dad said it had great reviews--I did not really enjoy it--I mean it was okay-but I would prefer a more girlie movie--mom did well-her walking is still pretty good--her getting up and down is improved most of the time--although still a few times during the day she needs help--getting herself up at night to go potty--which is nice--okay time for some Margaret stuff--total love melee
3-31-05 From Susan:
greetings siblings.... kindly forward to all carol...am work..tough to gather all address.... have spent the last 3days and nights with folks..... mom seems to be doing significantly better in her mobility...she is much happier at home indeed.... her mind remains unchanged....I believe we can start leaving them a bit here and there.... Margaret is less optimistic....I had a barbeque for Sean new family ( Kittiara is so dainty and Sean like...red hair and fine features, quite and calm.... a delight to just hold.....Sean is such a calm dad....they have a routing...she nurses and Sean has diaper details...seems to work for them...... ahhhh......and in-laws and brought mom at noon... dad came at 4ish and picked her up and visited for a wee bit and took her home...I returned to house around 7 ish pm and all was well...mom likes being in house with her man only..... dad I believe is getting well enough to handle.... so just some thoughts....like Helen there on Monday and Friday.... would love a night off during week... will wait for Margaret to agree..... love holding my grandbabies.... going to Maupin next week or sooner..... Kev and Min will be in Portland tomorrow for consult with pediatric urologist to repair inguinal hernia.... wonder if mary can deal with tickets in Albuquerque or do we need to up here....naturally getting dad and mom to airport to do this would will be nightmare.... toddles hugs q
Mom is here--she had some rough times at Susan's this afternoon--but has been very civil here tonight. We had dinner, made cookies, did dishes, watched TV--chatted with Diane-she seem more adjusted than last time--but it may not last--but it may last too--love to all Margaret
3/2 5:30pm
Mom is in a good mmooood today--she had fun with Sara--and she played monopoly with Joel and was all smiles when I got home--right now she is down at the grocery store selling girl scout cookies with Kathy and Shelby---and she did not understand why I did not want to go---much more accepting of her time here--so far---she was up allot last night though--wondering where "Tom" was--like every hour---ugh---love Margaret
3/3 6pm
Worked half day today--Joel stayed with grandma they did excellent together--Shelby came home from school sick today--Mom and I watched here--had a few tenses Moments--but overall a pretty good day-not s good as the last 2 days--but definitely better than the last time she stayed here--her legs are sore today and she is tired--so am I!!!_-- Love to all Margaret-
3/5 12:10pm
Rough night--up allot--went through the whole mantra--over and over and over again--from 1AM--2: 30 AM--where am I here?--it is not fair--take me home--I will be good--I will not keep your father awake--I don’t do that---I cook for him--I clean for him--he needs me--I’d rather die than be here--did your father agree to this--why what happened--where is my husband--I am not sick--he is sick and I need to be there for my man--who is going to cook for him--and over and over and over again--dean god help me--she would say--and say and say--she has no recollection of any of it--but it was intense for a bit---then up and down all night for bathroom breaks--gave her some kava kava--but she was too restless-- will give her earlier tonight--she will be tired enough to sleep-hopefully--this am doing pretty good--had a shower--(remember Diane)
Kathy is coming over around 3pm or later to take her to her house for a bit--then to CCD for Shelby and church. I should get her back around 6:30. Kathy stopping by to see Dad for St. Patrick days stuff for girls scouts--and will check on him--chatted on phone --he sound fine---so now we are just hanging out--and waiting and going through the why am I here routine--but with much less emphasis than during her sleep—I am not doing a spell check --so read on—love Margaret
3/6 9AM
better night last night--I slept well cause I was soo tired--mom woke me up at 12:20 AM-shaking my bed telling me to get up for church--she was naked except for underpants and was trying to get dressed in her sleep--I was quite surprised when I saw her standing there half naked--but she quickly got her nightgown on and went back to bed---
then she woke me up a second time cause she was cold---
unusual for me cause I always hear her toss and turn--but I was out last night and it is good to know she would wake me up--if she needed something---
went to bed last night asking for dad---
woke up this morning asking where tom was---but at least not pursuing the topic---
love Margaret--later
Noon:
mom and I headed to Medford for some shopping--nice sunny day--love Margaret
3/7 7:15pm
mom was up at 5:30 this AM and stayed up all day--was real grouchy late afternoon/early evening--I am giving her natural sleep remedies tonight--they better work--her ankles are looking swollen at night--but better in the AM--
dad has follow-up appointment for him with his naturopath doctor in Ashland tomorrow--he is going alone--mom and I will stay in RR--Sarah will watch her on Wednesday--and I will take her back to Grant Pass Wednesday afternoon-a a day later than we originally planned--but think we can swing it just fine--
good night--love Margaret
3/8 8:12 pm
mom and I going to bed--she stayed in RR for an extra night cause I had stuff to do---Sarah watched her today and will again tomorrow so I can work half day--dad paying grandkids 10 bucks an hour--great incentive for them-they are jumping in to help-----
had a pretty good day--just soo tired of repeating the same stuff over and over again--so I wrote some of it down and now I tell her to read her notebook----had another shower today--she enjoys them even though she complains about them--chatted with Diane she booked a short trip in April and a longer one in may---thank you Diane--found a swell deal on the internet---good night—love Margaret
3/9 3pm
mom and I are heading back to grants pass in a hour or soo-can't find her wallet anywhere---so are searching here and there--
hopefully it will all go well with dad and she won't read him the riot act---
she is moving slow and I think her mind deteriorated this week--but she is also tired today---love Margaret
3/11 2:44pm
no repercussion from staying at my house with dad and m mom--she hasn't mentioned except for once-when dad said she looked tired and she responded that it was because she was on vacation--some vacation , I thought---she was really confused when she got back to her house and kept asking --now who lives here--and was she really home--but she has re--acclimated wellll--
Thursday morning she woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was grouchy all day long--she took a nap about 3PM and dad and I said thank god--she kept accusing me--Margaret Ann of stealing her computer and anything else I could get a hold of in her house--that's why I stayed there so much she kept saying--I had some short and sweet answer that I --repeated 1,000 times that day--the today-Friday she asked me again why I took her computer--I reminded her that it was Jon’s—and she laughed about her and dad being behind the times--now we are in RR And she is having a fit because we are waiting for Shelby--I am causally ignoring her--a trick I learned from Susan!!!
earlier we went to bi-mart and finished some school shopping for me--she needs to go to St. Vincent's next week--Diane---dad wanted me to take her for pants--but every time we got close she said she was too tired--gave her a diuretic yesterday and her ankles look much much better--gotta run--Diane arrive s 7:37 PM Saturday night---love margaret
Sent: Mar 12, 2005 4:18 PM
From Margaret
It is 4:15 PM and here we are in RR--Mom is going to the airport tonight to get Diane. She wanted to go real bad and now that we are here in RR, she wants to go home. No dice--she is going to the airport. I will feed her and she will feel better. I do feel bad for her--her right knee is really sore today and her walking is pretty bad. Kathy and Shelby have offered to go to airport and get Diane--so either Mom will go with them--or she can sit here and rest till they get back--either way--welcome to Oregon Diane!!!
This AM Mom and I went to an auction by her house--I had fun--but she got bored early on--so off to price chopper again--had to get yogurt and pineapple in for Diane. Dad said she wouldn't stay unless those items were in the house --also bought veggies for Diane to make a salad for the folks--Dad said she likes to do that too!
Diane takes over email tomorrow—
love to all
Margaret
I'll have NO email while at Mom's -- how will I survive????
Grabbed an opportunity when Mom suggested we ride over to Margaret's and visit at her house. Margaret and Lori were sitting at the table with us visiting We were ALL surprised but liked the idea. Of course Mom questioned why we were going a few more times while on the way over. Then she wanted reassurance the we were just visiting -- that Margaret didn't expect her to stay the night -- and that we would return before the dark because she remembered last week Dad was driving her in the dark and she was SCARED. I reassured her and then she came up with a cute idea -- let's stop at Margaret's, say hi while we're in the car and leave!! She giggled. She said we would just drive around the block and then go visit. Actually -- Margaret met us at the car and whisked Mom off for a milk and bank run while I enjoy the computer in a quiet house.
Mom's walking is yucky compared to last month. She says it's much better then last week. Glad I'm here this week then! Actually, I'm just glad to be here anytime.
I'll be writing on my laptop (without email connection) and send it out when I return -- late the 21st.....
wow -- they're back already......gotta run....
luv to all,
Diane
From Diane:
--three days later or so --
I haven’t written since I’ve been here. I have no access to email and it was disappointing and frustrating in the beginning since I was expecting an internet connection. The Service Center at Foster Farms couldn’t fix it via this modem hookup. I can work for FF via the 800 number and that is the main purpose of having their computer! After awhile, my disappointment changed to gratitude since I’m disconnected from another ‘thing’ to do. But the pressure is building…..I’ve been here a few days. Margaret & Susan have been so good with keeping us informed that I feel I need to keep it up…..so I better start a journal….here it goes….
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!! Mom & I wore green stickers on our clothes and met Margie and Mildred (Al-Anon friend and her 89 year old beginning dementia Mother) for lunch at Black Forest. The Moms were both hard of hearing but managed quite well. Mildred is saving a quilt she made for the next time she sees Mom. We’re invited to their one-acre property with 18 angora rabbits. They cut the fur; spin the yarn and crochet/knit stuff. Twice a month, a spinning group has demonstrations at the Rogue River Library.
Mom & I enjoyed the sunshine, walked to Gottschalk’s and went in and out of most the stores on the strip.
Dad was still eating breakfast when we returned (2pm ish). I told Dad that Mom thoroughly enjoyed the company of someone her age and I would try to arrange something else to stimulate her mind. He agreed with the idea. I found a senior resources directory in ‘the’ caregiver’s bedroom dresser drawer and contacted a few places under respite care hoping to set up something to try tomorrow. I made phone calls using my cell phone (how did I ever live without one?) while using Mom’s phone for the 800 number and getting some Foster Farms work done. No luck for quick answers.
Mom watched an Irish movie, took a nap and sewed up a pair of pants. I can imagine buying clothes at St Vincent’s, cutting off the bottoms and asking Mom to sew them up for me. The following week I’d cut them off at the knees, ask her to sew them, and then use them as a rag – wild ideas to create a feeling of usefulness…..similar to Margaret’s great idea of putting folded towels in the drying and asking Mom to fold some nice warm clothes.
Dinner – cauliflower, asparagus, tilapia, organic noodles with organic pasta sauce. Dad was exercising in backyard and not hungry yet. We chopped radishes for him. He enjoyed interesting combos later (potato soup, radish, pasta sauce!). I had acupuncture treatment – invigorating. Chatted with Margaret on cell phone. Heard about an email from Susan. Discussed possibilities. I think Mom has gone downhill. Needs help getting out of chairs all but twice since I’ve been here. She gets out of bed most of the time by self (4 out of 5 times) – which is about how often she’s up every night.
Anyway – after greeting Mom, I put stuff in my bedroom, she feel asleep so I grabbed the opportunity to talk with Dad. Conversation went something like: I told him that I chatted with Margaret on the way home and that Susan wasn’t going to be available so much with Sean’s baby here and her trying to catch up with work and that maybe it was time to hire someone to cover Monday and Friday day shifts so Margaret & Sue wouldn’t get so burned out and to extend the use of sick leave. He said okay – they’re going to make the arrangements aren’t they? I said I’m sure they would. How about 8 to 4pm? He thought 8am might be too early. We discussed Mom making herself tea but Dad said that he gets up with Mom if no one is here (like when Margaret works ½ days). I said Margaret still wants to work Thursday mornings ½ days. He said we’ve been doing it for awhile now anyway.
He tracked me down later during the evening – to say the note (from Susan to check for respite care) that he told me to ignore was said because he thought I had my hands full enough for the short time I was here – not that he wasn’t interested in the information. He later gave me a number where he called for lawn service (senior service in county) and asked me to gather information about respite care, how much, short notice, one night, long term, day activities like I was looking for, etc…..
10:30pm – Dad’s been in bed 30 minutes already. Mom went at 9pm – up at 10 when dad was getting ready….
My turn for some sleep….
3-18-05
Last three nights have been similar – Mom up at least three times within the first four hours of her going to bed. Then we sleep for four or five hours before I hear her again. She gets up two more times before it’s time to stay up Example: bed at 8:30pm. Bathroom at 10pm, 11pm, midnight, 4am, 7am, stay up at 8:30am. It took me two nights to get tuned into the normal night sounds. The good thing is that she usually needs help only once or twice a night. What surprised me this visit is how much help she needs getting out of any chair she’s sitting on. She probably only gets up by herself once or twice a day. Occasionally she asks Dad to help and, when he does it with me, he sometimes limps as he goes back to doing whatever he was doing. So – Dad looks & acts MUCH better most of the time but not enough to assist Mom by himself for any length of time unless she perks up again. It really is one day at a time.
Breakfast this morning was in the dining room. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that Dad eats his snacks in the dining room once Mom is in bed – so Mom isn’t bothered by the light (Dad says). I like having the noise further away. It’s much easier to tune out. We’ve been enjoying oatmeal with dehydrated peaches (ripped into tiny pieces) and raisins lately. Mom told me to take a shower first so I did (after trying to get her to go first!). Then it was her turn and she kept her word (with some joking, etc). I’m glad she thought her hair was dirty for the second time this week. As I was helping her get dried I had a returned phone call from senior services so Dad took over the job of helping Mom. Mom was stuck on the idea that she had to go to Margaret’s and stay for three weeks every month. Dad was very patient but the subject was going round and round with no relief. When I got in the bathroom Dad was down on the floor drying Mom’s feet. I sat on the bath chair (without thinking), jumped up and excitedly said “the towel is WET!!” My surprise caused enough distraction to move onto another subject. Thank God. The conversation started at breakfast and she hung on to the fear for quite awhile. Flip side – waking up from her nap today she wouldn’t believe me that she was in her own house and in Grants Pass.
Where did Dad’s patience come from? Mary sent two books about Alzheimer’s and caregivers to me for all of us who get to Oregon. I read them, highlighted many sections, and gave them to Dad when I arrived. He told me to put them in the drawer in the ‘guest’ room with the other dementia paperwork. Three days later he started to read one and is gobbling it up. Thank you Mary!!!
After the shower, I went for a ‘walk’ and sat on the grass by the school making phone calls on my cell. I’m gathering information on senior services and will type ‘em up when I hopefully get the last pieces on Monday.
I’m hopping around in sequence – oh well…Our outing today was to look for summer shorts at thrift shops. I enjoy walking around downtown Grants Pass so went on another ‘adventure’ with Mom. We paid for the ultimate wash job for Mom’s car but the line was too long to wait. We parked near a coffee shop downtown. The entrance wasn’t good for a wheelchair so we went across the street to some bakery/café. They had a shrimp Caesar salad that Mom has been raving about all afternoon and evening. She thinks it was a Mexican restaurant due (I think) to the bold colored walls inside. Some well dressed young man (Mom noticed him earlier) left his lunch to open the door as we left. He bent down and told Mom that she had a beautiful smile. He touched my shoulder and thanked me for taking care of her. Dad had fun teasing Mom about whether the man was trying to pick her up. Mom giggled and smiled. We walked in and out of stores for about two hours. Found one pair of shorts, a wooden sign “wash your hands –Mom says so” that I’ll hang in the bathroom, and a purple scarf for my Red Hat Society days.
We rested. Mom napped. I did some more laundry. Mom surprised me by being willing to go back out. We got the car washed (which is fun for her) and drove from the exit on the north side of Grants Pass to Rogue River. The scenery was gorgeous. A storm was brewing. The sky was striking. We returned Shelby’s purple jacket that she left in Grandma’s car and needed for they’re ‘vacation’ tomorrow. Kathy, Shelby, Sara & Evan are going to pick up Joey and spend a few days in Seattle, WA. Shelia is going to drive a U-Haul down to Kathy’s house and move in for awhile. Shelia is transferred to Costco in Medford starting after Easter. Dan is coming down later (or sooner). Mom was stuck on the purple jacket and wondered why Shelby didn’t use the one she brought with fur on it. I carried Shelby’s three purple jackets from Kathy’s house to the car to show Mom that Shelby LIKED purple and still had the jacket from her Grandma that she would use next year. Mom talked about the purple jackets through out the night – wondering if we had them here, etc. Amazing how the facts just flitter in and out, get altered and twisted. Keeping answers simple, calm and loving seems the easiest way to keep peace. Too much information is confusing. No need to change Mom’s sense of reality if it would cause her chaos. Distraction/redirecting focus is best defense against the negative reactions (music, singing, colorful flowers, pretty trees, sun shining, dinner plans, etc.).
Dad just gave Mom three homeopathic sleep pills with instructions to let them dissolve under her tongue and not drink anything for fifteen minutes. She happily agreed. She chewed the pills and then drank some water. Tomorrow night maybe we’ll have a contest to see who can leave it under your tongue the longest.
We watched Judy Garland and friends, played racko (or moved some cards in and out of the slots!), started a second Judy tape. Mom wanted to shut Judy off because she just found out that Judy died about ten years ago (Dad’s answer to Mom’s question). Mom was sad that she died when she looked so young and healthy (1963 video) and said she doesn’t like to watch, or hear, anyone who’s dead.
I’ve been rubbing Mom’s legs at least once a day. I also rubbed her head tonight because she said it was itchy. She loves having her head scratched and went to bed content. Thirty minutes later, she’s back in the living room, sitting in her chair and reading the Argentina itiniery for the fifth time. Thanks Tom for sending it. Mom loves to know what’s going on and feel a part of it. Of course she thinks she reading it for the first time each time. Dad’s finished his mail and is ready to eat. He’s been going to bed around 10pm every night – sure is different from his LATE nights in past visits!
Brother Tom story – Mom has a red flannel blanket that she says belongs to her son Tom. She was saving it for him. I think I remember buying it with her at Goodwill. When she’d mention that she was saving the blanket for her son (every time she saw it), I’d tell her that her son wants her to use it until he comes and visits. One night she was panicking about not knowing where her husband and son were. I put the red blanket on her and told her she was wrapped in love from her son and her husband was eating in the dining room. It took a few minutes but eventually calmed her. She now uses the blanket every night (down comforter to big she says). Today (Sat) she told me Tom told her to use the blanket. I put in on her walker in the day so she can cover herself when she gets cold. We’re getting ready to go to a heart-to-heart class in Rogue River. Raven will make tea and soup. Then we’ll visit Margaret and I’ll get to email! Yippee…..better get dressed…
Class was interesting to me. Mom enjoyed chatting with lady that sat next to her but not the 1 1/2 hr lecture. Raven had lots of info and humor but Mom has a hard time tracking even simple TV shows now. I was behind her. We both enjoyed the food -- kale salad and apple crisp. After class, Mom's knees were stiff and she fell back into the door jam while trying to get into the car. My knee made it under part of her to soften the blow. She was scared but not hurt. Dave & I looked at the car - it's impossible to get more leg room available for Mom. Dave did change a break light for Mom. Grandpa Dave and Grandma Sue --lovely titles!!
Mom is obsessed wanting to go home -- Margaret does wonderful with trying to distract her but it's not working well now.....blame it on Diane who needs to get some work done on the computer!!
Future? We missed the return phone call from the county for respite info. Will call back first thing Monday am.
Have made arrangements for Mom to go to co-op every/any Friday with or w/o caregiver but it's only from 100-12:30PM. Have info about senior volunteers who come to keep her company a few hours a week (but no personal care). Progress -- not perfection. Margaret is comfortable with info and has plans for next week. Enjoy your grandchild Susan.
Gotta go -- more after I return to CA.
What a yucky night. No matter what I said, Mom was mad at me. When it was time to eat dinner, she finally went into the living room and took a ten minute nap. She was rejuvenated for awhile (had tea, chocolate, watched ice skating while crocheting) but went downhill quickly as she was going to bed. She went to the bathroom and came back to the kitchen ‘to get a drink’. She bypassed the water and juice on the table and went walking around the dining room table looking for her nightgown. She told Dad she couldn’t find hers in the bedroom (even though she hadn’t been there). To her credit – the laundry was finishing drying around the dining room table chairs. I carried her pink nightgown to the dining room. She started rearranging knick knacks and questioning whose laundry was on the chairs. I gathered up the laundry and asked her to carry them to the bedroom so I could put it away. Dad was frustrated because he had just hit his leg on the coffee table and Mom was being a royal pain. I felt like hollering at her a few times today. She was exhausted and I think forgot the process of how to go to bed. I walked with her and got her into her nightie while sitting on her bed instead of the chair. I called Margaret – who is full of great ideas and knows exactly how I’m feeling – she gets Mom changed while she’s in the bathroom sometimes. Ankles are swollen – will check if diuretic in pills in am.
Mom in bed 8:30 – Dad by 9:30. It’s 10:09pm now – Mom’s been up once. Saw my bedroom light, went for a drink in the kitchen. Sat at the table, drank juice, ate the yucky saltines, called for Tom to help her up. Was mad at him since I showed up instead. Insisted that he should be helping her. Told her he needs to rest so he can help you during the day. She asked me where the bathroom was. I turned on the big bathroom light and told her to follow the light. She told me to go to bed, she’d be okay (the martyr). I told her I was waiting until she was in bed first. She thanked me (the grateful lass) and said goodnight. God, I hope it will be a good night!
Monday 3/21/05 8am
Getting Mom to bed was different last night. She started at 8:30pm and took 1 ½ hours to get there. I helped her get her nightgown on while she sat in the bathroom. Her ankles were good this morning but swollen again tonight even though the diuretic worked nicely during the day compared to the last few days. Instead of going to bed though, she returned to the kitchen where the light and some noise were. She wanted something hot and was insulted when I gave her hot water out of the faucet. Dad offered her rice pudding but she insisted that it couldn’t be warmed up even though he told her that he does it all the time. So I made her oatmeal and tea while I finished the dishes from the barley/black bean/leek/celery/spinach/squash soup that we made an hour before. Maybe it was too much activity at night but I wanted to leave Mom some soup since Dad didn’t want potato soup so soon again and we just finished cleaning out the refrigerator. Once Mom got back into bed, she was NOT comfortable. Dad & I spent time trying to arrange her nightgown just right. We almost cut a slit down the side but it’s new and warm. Anything we did was wrong. Dad said dammit when he strained himself and she was insulted that he cussed ‘at her’. When she woke up an hour later to go to the bathroom, I gave her a kava. Didn’t seem to phase her pattern of getting up often. I’m glad I’m going home today to get a good night’s sleep. Care giving really needs to be a team rotating in and out. At the sizzler yesterday Mom told Dad that he should sleep in the other room so she wouldn’t be waking him up so much. He said he would probably switch with Margaret this week and try it – just swap blankets and pillows.
Besides the nighttime and the few hours I’ve detailed above, the rest of the day was very pleasant.
Tuesday 3AM --
I'm home and loving it. I went to bed at 8pm and feel wonderful after sleeping more then a few hours in a row..... think I'll go try again when I finish this. Above rambling is all I typed between the last email and leaving Mom & Dad. Seems like I needed to record more of the yucky times this trip to help process them. There were many fun & upbeat times in between. One of 'em: Driving home from the cemetery on the way home from dinner at the Sizzler, we passed the cemetery. Mom said she hoped to be buried there because they kept such good care of the grounds. Dad said he might save a buck and bury her in the back yard. Mom had fun promising to come back and haunt Dad every day. I told Dad to watch out because Mom was the bargain hunter and he might be buried in the back yard. He said he didn't care -- dead is dead. Mom said what a strange thing to talk about but we were all chuckling.
I also asked Dad why he always reminds us to lock the doors when we're driving. He said maybe because he was thrown from the police radio car and broke his collar bone. Around the same time -- they had just moved into a new house in Hollis (house before Middle Village home). He was driving home with the back seat full of groceries. The car door opened and the groceries went all over the road. Then, of course, they didn't want any kids falling out over the years!
Talk to ya all when I return to Oregon April 6-12 and May 4-14. Great airfare internet specials -- might as well use up vacation time.
Good night!
3/19/05 4pm
Mom and Diane just left--mom's walking is the worst that I have ever seen--she says her knees hurt a lot---and that is obvious--
wonderful to have Diane here!!!!!
Love Margaret
3/21 7:39pm
Diane is home and Margaret has mom---in RR---mom does not understand why she is here--she tells me that I am lying to her because she ca n take care of herself and she should be at home--so we move on--she is sleeping in this room--so good night all do not want to wake her with my typing --will write in the AM--love Margaret
3/22 7:30 am
we had one hell of a night here in Rogue River--mom was soo confused--she talked half of the night in her sleep and was up to the bathroom the other half--then of course spent time adjusting the damn nightgown--which as Diane said --you can never get it right!!!--I also gave her a Tylenol for leg pain-which had no results--drove me crazy--but we maintained-I even moved to another room so I could ignore her----now is it 7:20 AM and we have been up for about 40 minutes--she is getting dressed--and of course wants to go home---but we will have a good breakfast and hang out for while--I hear my neighbor Susan is home--with brain--I am sure they will come up and visit us- today--got to go help her get dressed--happy spring break to all us Oregonians!!!! love Margaret
her mind is worse than a week ago and her walking stinks--her knees hurt her a lot and she walks pathetically slow--
Research:
A. R.S.V.P. (Retired and Senior Volunteer Program) 955-5547
--Spoke with Joy. She's very friendly and understanding. Is sending Dad some info and the 2005 Senior Resources Directory. We already have the 2004 version.
--They sponsor a Friday Co-op. Held at Bethany Presbyterian Church, 5th and A street (748 NW 5th St) Grants Pass from 10am to 12:30pm (but not Easter week). Barbara is the head volunteer 474-3893. She already pre-screened us and Mom can start going April 1. You do NOT have to commit. It’s okay to show up or not show up. Many caregivers stay with their loved one and help other loved ones whose caregivers take the opportunity to run errands. It’s very flexible and fun – easy memory games, gentle chair aerobics, fellowship with each other (strokes, dementia, Parkinson, variety of loved ones). Usually about 15-20 people. Every 3rd Friday the caregivers go in a separate room for a support group facilitated by the same person every month. Barbara has Dad’s address and will send a schedule for the months that they get one typed up. There is also a reminder phone call the day before (ex. March – remember to wear green!). She has Dad’s, Margaret & Susan’s home phone number. Bathroom care – Joy said none (official stand), Barbara said yes (reality of volunteers).
--Senior companions (I’m a little confused on who sponsors this one)
A. A volunteer senior come to your home a few hours a week for companionship only.
No personal care. Will play cards, read, watch TV, talk, etc. with Mom.
B. Senior Disability Services 474-3110 (run by Rogue Valley Counsel of Governors)
Screeners change every day – spoke to Bonnie finally who will send lots of stuff to Dad. Services available based on complex financial equations. Told her Dad had about $3,000 monthly income, $30K in bank and owned own home. She seemed to think it was worth pursuing. Then can help with variety of resources. Their office is the same building that Dad goes and exercises (end of Vine , long red building, entry in back parking lot).
C. OPI – Oregon Private Independent – private pay respite care – Bonnie will send info to Dad since she couldn’t find number of two women who coordinate it.
D. Spring Point – sending medical release form to Susan to get completed. Needs a new one every year before we can bring Mom over for activities at hourly rate.
E. Alzheimer’s’ support group – 474-2202
Meets every 3rd Thursday at 1:30pm in Grants Pass Community Center 4th and L st. Contact Scealle Duckworth (pronounced Sea Ally). She was not there when I called.
3/22 8am
Diane,
It is such a privilege to be part of the days and nights with the ailing parents.
There humor...obstinacy and struggles are precious.
Thanks for all that you do ....
I will check the internet for my June trip
Peace,
Tom
3/22 6:30pm
here we are still in RR--Susan went and visited with dad today--I went for a foot massage for an hour--Jon won it a fire awards banquet---the rest of the day spent answering mom's questions and helping her in and out of chair--and cooking and doing dishes--and we made an angel food cake---and basically just hung out--it has been a long day--hope the night goes by well--I gave mom some natural relaxants for tonight-- hopefully they will work--she took several cat naps today and said to me--why don't you sleep during the day--well, mom--it just isn't as easy for me--okay-she is napping again now---6:20 ish---
love to all
Margaret-
3/23 4:19pm
mom woke up in a great mood--after only 4 ups and downs last night--but as we ate breakfast the conversation quickly changed to where is tom? why am I here? why can't I go home and on and on and on---
she had her massage with raven--Susan gave her a nice sponge bath for that---and kept her at her house all afternoon--
now she is back with me--we are going to make cookies and dinner---
her walking is vastly improved today--you would be amazed Diane--she walked over to Susan and back up--very independent and well--yesterday she would not have been able to do that---don't know why it is better today--but it is----
call if you want, mary--we will be here---love Margaret
3/23 7:08pm
I do not recognize this pleasant happy and agreeable woman who is with me tonight---she has been a gem---for the past 3 hours--now we are starting into the why am I staying here routine--o well we should be sleeping soon--love to all Margaret
3/24 6:47pm
that’s because she gave me grief all day...she was worn out...enjoy...hope you sleep.......q
3/24 7:22pm
mom is excited-- she is going home sometime tomorrow--my plan is to get up--eat--do some grocery shopping and take her back to grants pass---she is in a good mood now and still up and awake---we had some tense moments today-here at my house and Susan had her share while she kept her toooo----her walking is till better today than earlier in the week---Diane you would be happy to seethe mobility improved--she again walked from my house to Susan’s and back up again--good for her---
all is wellll--i chat again--not for a day or 2--I will be in GP without a computer--am thinking of taking one from my classroom this weekend and hooking it up there--we will see-love Margaret
3/25 9:20am
do not tell your children you are going to Disneyland the night before---
e--gads!!!!
last night, I told mom I would take her home in the morning--well at 10PM after about an hour and half sleep--she was up--is it morning yet--can we go home?
no mom--it is night time---after some time--okay I’ll go back to bed-
-up again around 1AM--I’m ready to go Margaret--are you?? no mom--it is only 1 AM--go back to sleep--"I can't sleep--I want to go home---yikes!!!!
4AM rolls around--and she is up again--ready to go--where are my clothes-- I can't wait any longer she says--who cares if we go early and wake dad up---double yikes!!!!!! and on and on and on---so till about 6 AM we tossed and turned and rattled and rolled---I told her I was not getting out of bed till 7AM--so she said I will be a good girl and just lay here--but hurry up---well the time dragged--we are up and ready to go--but first we are going grocery shopping--in Medford---so we be in GP mid afternoon---
what an evening—love Margaret
3/25 1:54pm the ultimate:
when it got time to leave this AM--mom said I really don't want to go with you--I will just stay here---I was flabbergasted and went for a walk--came back and told her let's go and she said okay----
amazing--love Margaret
3/27 12:37pm
we are having our share of rain these last few days--a real downpour this day--anyway--got a few hours break today--Kathy and Shelby went to church with the folks and Susan going out to eat with them--
yesterday Helen and I took mom to the movies--million dollar baby--dad said it had great reviews--I did not really enjoy it--I mean it was okay-but I would prefer a more girlie movie--mom did well-her walking is still pretty good--her getting up and down is improved most of the time--although still a few times during the day she needs help--getting herself up at night to go potty--which is nice--okay time for some Margaret stuff--total love melee
3-31-05 From Susan:
greetings siblings.... kindly forward to all carol...am work..tough to gather all address.... have spent the last 3days and nights with folks..... mom seems to be doing significantly better in her mobility...she is much happier at home indeed.... her mind remains unchanged....I believe we can start leaving them a bit here and there.... Margaret is less optimistic....I had a barbeque for Sean new family ( Kittiara is so dainty and Sean like...red hair and fine features, quite and calm.... a delight to just hold.....Sean is such a calm dad....they have a routing...she nurses and Sean has diaper details...seems to work for them...... ahhhh......and in-laws and brought mom at noon... dad came at 4ish and picked her up and visited for a wee bit and took her home...I returned to house around 7 ish pm and all was well...mom likes being in house with her man only..... dad I believe is getting well enough to handle.... so just some thoughts....like Helen there on Monday and Friday.... would love a night off during week... will wait for Margaret to agree..... love holding my grandbabies.... going to Maupin next week or sooner..... Kev and Min will be in Portland tomorrow for consult with pediatric urologist to repair inguinal hernia.... wonder if mary can deal with tickets in Albuquerque or do we need to up here....naturally getting dad and mom to airport to do this would will be nightmare.... toddles hugs q