Oregon 2005 Feb

2/1/05 3pm
greetings all... this is q at the helm...... been doing some research for Dad on options for Mom..... and last night after getting Mom to bed for 3rd time he got me out of mine to discuss them...... nutshell.... good place spring point is full... openings depend on death of occupants... something we obvious have not say so....

administrator said probably months.... no foster home wants her if she is not sleeping at night...she is past foster homes anyway..... gave her valarie root last night twice ...she was up 5 times but got herself to potty Dad didn't get up with her but was up that many times himself..... knees better, got some Aleve to switch with Tylenol...he hesitated but approved.... went to royal garden where robin works... typically nursing home atmosphere... they said no beds but might be able to find one if we got her sleeping pills... cost of both places 4000.. monthly.... for week 125 daily plus meds, etc,,,etc.... so then gently approached the rogue river options... first said no... then maybe and finally ok..... so Margaret Ann,,,, your wishes are granted.... the $$$ are up in air..... didn't say anything today,,, tired... raven came and did wonderful with Mom...then Dad got in trouble for having her come.... she yell at him to clean off the table and he promptly took 5 brown bags and threw everything in them,,, (unopened mail...etc ) and went to store.... so table is empty except for roses... she won the battle but is losing the war and she has no idea.... we will approach this as dr. orders for Dad to have rest and bring her to rogue river Margaret Ann when you say so..... she actually is better than last week but not Dad...... q

2/1/05 4:30pm
chatted with george....any suggestions on how to approach this one with Mom.... so far ...."Dr Selinger said Dad needs rest and best place etc..etc...." tell Mom after she gets their to rogue river or before...Dad does not want to be the fall or mean guy. although he actually he she will blame him.... he is sending her to rogue river reluctantly.... plan to do this Sunday to following Sunday so you have a few days to think....do not mention in your phone calls.... thanks..... they are both in kitchen eating soup ,,,watching mash and laughing.... I’ll say out of the way gladly.....q

2/1/05 8:42pm
I wouldn't mind having Mom told that all of her children decided that she
can get the best care in Rogue River. Perhaps, we can take the rap instead
of Dad.
I am very concerned about Dad and his psyche and feel that the sooner that
he has a quieter environment to live in (thereby having Mom go somewhere
else) the stronger the possibility is that he'll have some "golden years"
left in his life.
Mary

2/2/05 1:30pm
a few more ideas......Perhaps, we can each say a decade of the rosary or the
whole rosary daily and tell Dad and maybe Mom that we are praying for them
on a daily basis at this stage of life as they go through various changes in
their life.......the wonder and spirituality of the rosary was given to us
as a gift from Dad and I believe that this is a great opportunity for us to
give the gift of praying the rosary back to Dad and Mom......maybe we can
each send a handwritten card with a personal message especially to Dad about
how he and Mom are being lifted up in prayer everyday by his kids through
their recital of a decade or the whole rosary daily....
love,
mary

2/2/05 3:40pm
it 4pm and all is calm..... Mom in the sun... Dad went for a walk..... he never gets out of house before 330 these past week..... best day in long time for Mom....except the sleep part....will up her valarie root then go to kava kava....she actually came to YMCA with me....get coffee with friend their and I swim for 15 minutes.... then for bowel of soup and home to Dad 3'5 hours later only to find him finishing breakfast...... went to bed at 9ish up at 1030ish breakfast done by 3pm is a good day... he still short tempered and tired...... plan in place...... will do move on Sunday after lunch meal and church...... he wants to make sure that raven comes to rogue river for Mom on Tuesday......going home to Dave soon...all he wants to Chinese food..which I will bring..... Margaret see you tomorrow night... Mom says she staying home tomorrow to watch her man, because he is hunched over today...... love q

2/2/05 3:47pm
wow...great idea...will print out at the house and bring in for him to actually see written.....he is not in mood to answer phone yet...says let the answer machine get it.... he is just tired with limited resources as I see it..... so good ideas about people visiting Mom on nugget but Dad needs to be left alone.... I will come in on Monday for a bit...grab some Mom things and check on him.... we ask him to spend 2 days focusing on self...then come to visit Mom in rogue river for a hour or so..... (probably 10 minutes).... he expressed how difficult it is to see the "woman I marry go downhill so.... the feeling of hopeless mixed with anger....."short but profound.... q

2/2/05 7pm
Margaret here tonight and tomorrow--q working--anyway Mom looks good--Dad looks worn out--my impressions after being gone for 2 days--
will have Mom in RR Sunday till Sunday--should be an interesting week---will keep you posted--plans in the works--for this and that and everything--that will make next week most successful---love Margaret

2/3/05 9:16am
we had an awesome night--the best I have ever had here---Mom slept from 8:30 PM till 2:30--got up to potty and then back to bed-all on her own-- I watched from a distance-got up again at 5:30-to potty and back to bed-all alone--I watched and waited but she didn't need help-it is now 9AM and both parents are still sleeping--so either I slept soundly last night and didn't hear much --or we just had a very good nights sleep - I did hear Mom coughing several times through the night--but no one got up--it just seemed to pass--raven the acupuncturist has been here 2-3 times in the last 2 weeks and perhaps that is what is making the difference or else it was a stroke of good luck last night--who knows--love to all Margaret

From: "Diane Chirrick"
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2005 21:04:04 -0800
From Margaret --
The computer has bad segments (or something) and can't clean itself.....so
don't send anything to g and g email for awhile.
Mom & Dad woke up about 9:30 am ish. Mom, Margaret and Helen had a grand
day going to Target to buy a present for Crystal's shower on Saturday, to
the bread store for bread for Dad and then to Costco. Mom made it to the
bathroom two times. They were gone from 11am to about 3:40pm.
Margaret went to Wendy's for frosties and baked potatoes. Salmon and
Helen's soup completed the supper meal.
Mom had a good day. She was tired and went to bed around 6:30pm She seems
to do well going to bed early. Margaret was in her bedroom.
Dad was edgy -- not bad but not good. Margaret stays in her room so Dad
can have his space.
hugs to all,
secretary Diane

2/5/0512:09 pm
From Susan today:
Susan called me at work because Mom wanted to thank me for the chair dancing videos she received. Of course she forgets that , in previous phone calls, I told her they were coming so she could look forward to a package (or actually it just gave me something to talk about in the Moment). Mom was looking forward to trying them tomorrow. Susan said they already danced to them this morning!
Mom was up only three times last night and didn't need any help.
Mom and Susan had been at the Y all day according to Mom. Mom sounded excited about the good coffee and FREE coffee that she enjoyed at the Y. Sue said they were there for maybe 45 minutes (or was it 15 minutes? )
Dad went swimming today and has greatly improved since she was last there.
Things are looking up again. Plans are still in place for Mom going to RR on Sunday.
Love & prayers,
Diane

2/5/05 4:30pm
From Susan today:
Susan called me at work because Mom wanted to thank me for the chair dancing videos she received. Of course she forgets that , in previous phone calls, I told her they were coming so she could look forward to a package (or actually it just gave me something to talk about in the Moment). Mom was looking forward to trying them tomorrow. Susan said they already danced to them this morning!
Mom was up only three times last night and didn't need any help.
Mom and Susan had been at the Y all day according to Mom. Mom sounded excited about the good coffee and FREE coffee that she enjoyed at the Y. Sue said they were there for maybe 45 minutes (or was it 15 minutes? )
Dad went swimming today and has greatly improved since she was last there.
Things are looking up again. Plans are still in place for Mom going to RR on Sunday.
Love & prayers,
Diane

Hi Diane,
Kathy here..heard you were coming to Oregon this week..I think its a great idea!! I saw Susan today and she is working Thurs. & Friday night, so you are invited to stay at my house those nights..and more if you would like. Peterson girls, Susan , Grandma, Shelby & I went to Crystal's baby shower today..a good time was had by all! See you in a few days!!
Kathy

2/6/05 5:50 pm
Mom is having a rough time--dddddddddddddddddiane call tonight--
mary or carol call Monday and Tuesday
tom/danny call Wednesday--
we will get though this--
love Margaret

2/6/05 7:17pm
ok dears... Mom is in rogue river,,,, just spent the last hour attempting to explain to her with Margaret about this decision.... she is not a happy camper..however after a bit she relented and said that if Dad says I should stay here and he wants to sleep at the house alone...I will stay...... foolishly we then called Dad and left message to call back with this simple message..... ha..... Mom then proceeded to ream him up and down, yelling that he should move out not her.... etc..etc...etc..... so then Joel tried distraction while Margaret calm down and called me..... I of course come over and give Mom a heavy dose of reality that she is clueless about while she is sipping on kava kava tea...special brew from Fiji... tom you remember the stuff...still have a bit left... great for calming.... then we call Diane to call her in hopes of distracting her from the endless demands to call and talk to Dad which she denies that she had just 10 minutes before..... ah to the rescue.... Kathleen and Shelby with two huge glass of red wine..very similar to the New York port that Julie used drink......so your jobs siblings dear is to call at Margaret or mine in the next few days.... Margaret has her Monday and I have her Tues and Wed..kindly spread it out so everyone doesn't call same day.... grandkids too.... distraction will be our tool..... hopefully we will rotate the houses a bit but she will be sleeping at Margaret.... boots is planning a weekend trip which is her call......told her that Dr Selinger thought best that one leave so other could sleep, Mom was easier to move... or so we thought..... Dad is not totally gong ho on the plan but felt compelled to try for his own health and appreciate that all thought the same..... she said she wanted to sleep in other room...both Margaret and I had tried on various nights... ultimately always say yes but when comes time.... "I’m sleeping with my husband.... " told her other option was nursing home or foster home.. ( no foster home wants her if she not sleeping at night..)anyway tried the valaria root... helped a bit but we're still up, asking for help with blankets, lights,etc.. burping and farting endlessly..etc etc.. one night I got four hours of sleep.... Dad said I just missed the 2 wake ups.... so tonight a bit of wine, some kava kava,,,, prayers and he sent some special rosary over... not yet impressed but perhaps buy the time I go back over in a bit..... anyway started this one at 5 pm.... a few interruptions.. so I must end and pay attention to David who has indeed been a bit neglected... but he is a good guy and not complaining one bit..... q---

2/6/05 7pmish
thanks for info.....my heart goes out to Mom.....and Dad....I have 4 envelopes on table for Dad....one will be mailed each day....Monday thru Thursday......when I was in the hospital....Dad mailed me a card every single day for 2 months.....amazing the support he has given us.....we need to be sure he's okay also.....
mary.
Sent: Sunday, February 06, 2005 7:20 PM
Susan called me and gave me the run down....she's emailing the details to us later. Kathy was on her way over with a bottle of wine and two glasses -- trying another approach -- Mom took care of Julie, now it's our turn to help her. She agrees one minute, and forgets the next. Has a right to be angry. Will take time and patience to adjust. My friend Kris was here (Mom in late stages of Alzheimer’s) and she remembers the emotional rollercoaster -- it's part of the disease and we're powerless over that.
I'll call Mom within the hour ---
p.s. I booked a last minute great deal a few days ago so will spend a five day weekend in Oregon starting Thursday.
Hugs,
Diane
2/7/05 7:21 pm
Mom had a rough night last night--lots of incessantly, nonsense talking and asking to be taken home-I slept for 2 hour sand 40 minutes---tonight I will sleep in another room--sue sleeping with Mom-in front room--as I work tomorrow--today Mom and I went to Medford-walked through the mall and Harry and David’s and went out to live garden for lunch--she and a lovely time out--did not ever remember spending the night at my house--but the minute we pulled in my driveway--it all connected and she refused to get out of the car--when she did get out she said she was walking home to her man--and off she went with my in tow---Sara came over as was excellent company for her--as have been Joel and Jon on and off since yesterday---David even had her on the front porch for a bit this afternoon—when she is soo mad at me---it is hard--but in the long run--I know we are doing the right thing--Dad is already grateful --Susan said--looking forward to Diane’s visit this Thursday--pray for no fog--so she isn't delayed!!!
Sarah ill be here that's hardest time is as it turns dark because THAT IS WHEN SHE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO HEAD HOME--SO AROUND 6 ISH OUR TIME----I must have hit the caps lock button--love to all Margaret

2-7-05 8:30pm
saw Dad briefly today and gave him report tonight....he is most grateful and said he didn't get much accomplished today except to lift weights and get a restful sleep last night... accurately was smiling today and seemed more rested.... he said tonight that he might stay away as he think it would be impossible to leave again,,, only make it worse... Margaret will stop on way home tomorrow and check on him and pick up plant that he had given Mom just the other day..... mary...Dad appreciated your card today.... will try to get Mom to do chair aerobic in am...going to bed ....with Mom...q

2/8/05 6:30am
Last night I spoke to mother.
She is committed to fighting to get back home.
I reminded her that she was up at night
and Dad needed some time to catch up on
his sleep.
Tom

2/08/05 7:38am
Mom had a much better night last night---will call later--or you can call at my house---between6-8 pm is best
do you want to watch Shelby thursday/friday afternoon with Mom--she would ride the bus to the house--get there about 2:20 or later--love Margaret

2-8-05 5:18 pm
greetings siblings.... Shelby rose is a lifesaver, she has Mom calm downed and acting kindly..... what a pair..... Shelby you are the BEST>>>>>>so the night started at 8ish... she put on pj with a tad of help then proceed to bed with me....she did much similar to her sleeps up at 1016... up 4 times for potty,,, tosses and turns but mostly sleeps...... she arose quickly and in a good mood.... however when she realized Jon wasn't Dad...thing went downhill..... she actually was a darling and said she appreciated her daughter carrying for her while her man rested under doctors orders.... most important those doc orders... us kids carry no weight in the decision making...only makes her mad...so I dropped that part boots for your Thursday visit..... raven came over and she cried her heart out with tears of kidnapping and non understanding.... she came around, had tea together the three of us and was contented for an hour.... wanted to sleep on chair, awaken we put in movie of her choice and Dave and I attempted to do taxes..... big mistake..... she was neglected for 40 minutes(although we only 3 feet away) then got mad got up and said she was walking home.... she got herself out the door... down the step and down to robin before I put a stoop to that..... she was pissed.... Kathy Headly and her dog arrived to visit..since Mom said she missed her dog..... we was very very mad that we put her in the wheelchair and return her to 414.... however Shelby to the rescue... home from school and then started playing in front of her and Kathy h chatting,,,distracted her a bit... I of course am the bad guy...but that ok she is now happy and I do not allow her to bring up the conversation we have only repeated 444 times today....it seems to work...... so now I getting soup ready for her...she peeled the potatoes this am...... so thanks for thoughts and prayers and support..... Dad sounded good last night..call nightly with report since his computer is down... and he wouldn't use it anyway...he told me he would try to do something everyday to get healthier...... love and hugs...... q... David put in high toilet seats permanently and Mom got on and off herself and we don't have any hand rails...so physically she is doing very well....... so have ambient at Margaret ...depending on her mood and sleep pattern will determined whether she get some.... gave her kava kava and melatonin last night which worked ok.......q

2/8 7pm
saw Dad today-he looked better--still older looking--going for a walk when I was there at 4PM--asked about Mom--said he was fine---house all aired out--laundry going--asked about return plan--told him we would meet him at church on Sunday then go out to lunch--actually it will be Diane--but she still doesn't know she is coming--although I think it is fine to tell him and finer she to go visit him alone before Mom gets back there--I told him some funny Mom stories--not the icky ones--but did tell him that she had some hard times--which she does at their house tooo--but I spared him all the horror stories--too much made it sound positive--he wondered if I thought she would make it till Sunday and I said absolutely yes---I once doubted that myself--but no longer--I know we can make it to Sunday--especially with Diane's help---Mom in bed---more accepting about staying here but still missing Dad a lot---love to all Margaret
thanks for the calls--they help----

2-9 6am
hello all, I was on the list to call for Tuesday....... first call Mom not home yet, next call at 7;15 Mom in bed..... so FYI I will call again this evening........Happy Hump Day to all, and to Tom Happy Chinese New Year...............
Love, Carol

2/9/05 9:30am
greeting.... here we are at Kathy’s bank, we came to see the boss and Mom get some of her $$$$$.... she is thrilled.... having a great day.... reading, washing hair to the YMCA...Shelby and Mom making bran muffins this afternoon....she is in so much a better mood..... I think we will all survive forever if she continues in this quest....she said what will be ok and take one day at a time...... got to run.... kindly send to sibling..... miracles abound in rogue river..... this is good for everyone.... if only she stay like this she could stay forever.....q
love and blessings... Mom....sc

2/9/05 1:40 pm
Thanks for wonderful news. Glad to hear that Mom has picked up Dad's great mantra -- one day at a time. Some days I do one minute at a time.
I'm at work so am using a different address book -- think I got everyone...if not, pass it on please.
I'm almost packed, am working today, have home group meeting tonight, sleep until 3:15am, leave house 3:30am, get to Modesto airport 4am for 5am flight. A few hour layover in San Francisco (might nap in USO lounge) -- arrive Medford 10:10am. I'll be tired but not as tired as driving!! Am looking forward to the flights and next few days.
grateful
Diane

2-9-05 3pm
Diane,
thanks for the good news.
Sounds like they are all having a good day.
Mother is doing what she enjoys....
going to bank..handling some money...
baking muffins with her granddaughter.
washing hair etc.
thanks be to God.

Have a safe and good trip.
Thanks for all you do for the folks.
Peace..
Keeping it simple here.
Tom

2-9-05 7:51 pm
greetings one and all...... Mom Dad was great till after the bank..which she
loved getting her$$$ out of..... however returning home then progresses to
why am I here mantra...... making bran muffins for you boots.... helped a
bit..... Shelby to the rescue again....she has a way of pacifying her during
this dementia time...... went to the yard ...she wanted to talk to Dad and
tell him about ashes tonight..... so gave her the phone and she left
message... Dad called right back and said he already had them..Mom pleaded
to come home and said only he has the power.... he of course wanted to talk
to me and say if she wants to come home let her..... but I said its better
for you to rest till Sunday as planned caused she actually did way better
today.....and eventually life is going to be this way either here or a
nursing home and here is much much better...hopefully this rest will buy
them some more time together...... Mom did great most of the day.....
...went to senior center..... to rays for grapes and to church for mass and
ashes and clam chowder soup.... thing decreases at her arrival at Georges but
a few kava, kava and sweet kiss and to bed we golllllllll so sleep well ....
I’m off to work for next four days in our new ER....... weeeeeee q.....from
a at home person..it was nice to be home in my own house instead of at
1016..... perhaps Margaret and I will make some arrangements where we will
stay in rogue river on some of our Mom days in the months ahead....it seems good for
everyone (except Mom)..... who has been the focus of most of the time, energy
and attention for the pass 10 months....Dad remain relucantly our focus
currently........q

2-10 9:50am
ROUGH NIGHT--LOTS OF POTY BREAKS AND SLEEP TALK--FELL OUT OF BED AT 12:47--JOEL HELPED ME GET HER BACK IN--SHE HAS A BRUISE ON HER ARM AND A LITTLE BIT OF A BLACK EYE--I CUSHINONEDTHE FLOOER FOR THE REST O F THE EVENING-ADN EVERYTIME SHE HAD TO GET TO POTY--HAD TO TAKE UP AND PUT BACK DOWN--WELL WORTH IT THOUGH--NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING THIS am--IN A GOOD MOOOD--EXCITED TO GO TO ARIPORT--AND OFF WE GO TO GET DIANE--THEN I AM WORKING FOR A FEW HOURS-- THIS AFTERNOON--LOVE MARGARET

Sent: Feb 10, 2005 9:16 PM
I’m here on a good flight deal Modesto to San Francisco then to Medford. Woke up at three AM this morning -- ready for some snoozing now -- cat naps on planes, at airports, & Margaret’s couch only holds me so much.
Mom remembered who I was WHEN she saw me. Margaret & Mom were running a little late this morning but it worked very well for me to meet them at the curb so there was not getting in and out of the car. Mom has a nice shiner from falling out of bed last night -- both eyes (near the nose) and bridge of nose are bruised. Margaret found her flat on her stomach and touching the side of the bed. Amazingly she's hasn't complained about anything aching at all. She does laugh and say that she remembers waking up on the floor and wondering how she got there, that Margaret was on her right side and Joel on her left helping her back in bed. Later she says that she called for her Tom and he helped her back to bed. Margaret said she was dead weight and snored through the whole thing. The lounge chair cushion is now on the floor in case it happens again....seems to be every few months...
Margaret went to work for the afternoon while I had the Mom watch. I needed some down time so hung around the house waiting for Shelby to get out of school so we could go out to eat and shop. John hooked my laptop up to their dsl -- yippee!! Mom started the unending, repetitious questions of why am I here, why can't I go home, why are you being so mean to me, it's not right, etc. etc. etc. She did a fair amount of crying. Prayed to God out loud to take her, she had no use being here. Normally it's worse around 'sundown' -- I didn't know how I was going to stay detached if it went on and got worse. I cried a bit with her but walked away from the drama. Being exhausted helped today. When she's in these spirals, logic has no bearing. After Shelby got here, she agreed (with a defeatist attitude) to go to Bacci's. By the time we got there (five minutes) we were talking about the beautiful scenery, the warm sun, a funny man riding a trike around the parking lot, etc. We had a wonderful two hour adventure eating and walking around Ben Franklin -- remembering old potholders we made as kids --Shelby's going to find her kit and we'll try it tomorrow.
Somehow or other Mom's been in a mellow mood ever since. Margaret and I are both amazed...maybe Mom get's a sundowner experience once a day and it was early since she didn't sleep much the night before. Mom stayed up until 8pm too. Joel and John are excellent helpers and companions for Mom. Mom told me she really likes Margaret's house. She also mentioned, often, that she only has two more days to be here. I think her remembering that it's almost over, has helped her accept it better. We actually had a conversation where she acted like she was really comprehending -- we will not let you stay alone anymore (haven't since Oct ) , yes you're really that bad because sometimes you can't get up out of a chair, can't remember current events (gave examples), etc but God has a purpose for you to be here. It's not to cook and clean like you've done all your life. Maybe it's to sing to us, tell us stories, pray or who knows. Jon was in the other room as was amazed as I that Mom was asking and responding calmly with no denial or anger.
John’s girlfriend Kyla had a nice visit with Mom in the living room before we headed to bed.
oh -- earlier -- we tried to take a shower -- Mom knew her hair was too greasy and agreed to wash it. She valiantly tried a few different angles but couldn't get into the bathtub. We had a plastic lawn chair all ready in the tub but wound up with a sponge bath and leaning over the sink for washing hair. I'm glad she let's us help with all aspects of cleaning -- sometimes.
snoozing time...
keep us in your prayers,
hugs,
Diane/Mom,etc

2-11-05 9:28am
oatmeal is cooking....
Mom up six times last night
gotta go,
hugs
me

2-11 8:12 am
thanks for all that you do. and using the program in this challenging situation.
I love the focus on Mom's purpose of being here and doing different things.
When we were on the phone she seemed to get a kick out of teaching
Shelby two stitches of crocheting. I encouraged her to continue.
Peace,
Tom

2-11 8:41 pm
Friday night at the Petersons--
got home from work to find my house a mess --we had a big plumbing problems this afternoon--Greg, Joel and David worked on if for over 5 hours--got toilets working--but no washing machine is backing up--Diane took Mom to Medford today--had some good and bad times--then after school they took Shelby to Bacci’s and goodwill--Mom sat in car--then she sat in car in my driveway--she was mad about coming back to RR--
Diane went for acupuncture tonight and to see Dad--Mom is sleeping and I am happy for that--she said maybe she would go to movies with Diane tomorrow--
good night--love to alll-margaret
Diane made Dad some potato soup and was taking some to him-- I am sure they are having a great visit--

2/12/05
Sat am - Mom is GOOD mood - thrilled to be going home in one day. Thanked Margaret for a lovely visit it her beautiful house. We're having a going home party tonight -- will barbeque salmon burgers, eat asparagus and make a cake. Am heading to White City to watch meet the Fockers this afternoon.
Mom up six time the last two nights. First night (with me) was yucky -- lots of 'woe is me' sleep talk -- even sang Barbara Striesand's Oh My Man song a few times .... Last night's sleep talk was positive -- I’m so happy I’m going home soon -- she talks to God out loud and in her sleep.
Yesterday we went shopping at Fred Meyers -- brought Dad a valentine card, stuff for potato soup -- and ate a wonderful halibut lunch at McGrath’s. Things went from pleasant and happy to miserable and childish on the ride home. I reached my fill of answering the same questions over and over expecting that it would eventually stop or be understood....so I stopped explaining the situation and said I wasn't going to talk about it for now. or I didn't know. She just got angrier and angrier -- according to Mom I'm too dumb to explain it to her, God's going to punish me for not taking her home, etc. etc. I asked if she wanted to pray with me (for distraction) she didn't want to with ME so I started the rosary out loud to distract myself from listening to her. It became comical as she told me to stop it. I said - I will if you stop it. She said -- she was talking to God first. I said -- God was big enough to listen to both of us. She said -- no he wasn't and she was FIRST. So we both stopped for a short time then she started again, so I started praying again and we went round and round as I smiled at my internal image of two little kids bantering back and forth. It was so much easier then the insanity of trying to change her view of reality. Distracting her train of thought is much easier when not driving -- She didn't want to get out of the car so sat in it for a few hours enjoying the sun and taking a nap. I was emotionally worn out and tired so was glad she was safe and content away from me. Shelby came home on the bus and visited with her Grandma in the car a few times. We even went to Goodwill (Mom first told me to take another car since she was sitting in here--) but she sat in the car as Shelby and I shopped and picked up Shelby's pizza. When Margaret got home, Mom responded positively to her & thought she was sitting in the car because she didn't know who I was in her house and that Susan would let her call her man. Margaret told her that she's called her man a few times already to come in the house if she wanted to call him again. She did -- and left a decent message on the phone. We knew Dad's not picking up the phone so felt fairly safe letting her call. I left for a mental health break (& I've only been here a short time!!) brought some stuff at the herb shop, had a massage and great visit from Raven and visited with Dad. He has a totally different look with a white beard (it’s too hard to shave over bumps per Margaret). He looks older with the white beard, rested, scratched his leg a lot, enjoyed the company, asked about Mom, said he misses her sometimes, I told him a variety of the Mom stories and the concern that he might be in for some angry words when she returns -- he said that's nothing new. We discussed the possibility of having her start sleeping in the guest room and Dad seem to think it was doable since Mom adjusted to finding her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night at Margaret’s. I think he doesn't want to be too far from his bathroom. The majority of the conversation was about a bipolar book and some right to life articles Dad's recently read. It was good to see him. He definitely wants to stick to the original plan of meeting in church on Sunday then Mom comes home after church -- a peaceful place to greet each other. Future plans are, of course, in the Oregonians hands.
Sue just called to go for a walk. Mom say she hasn't seen Susan in a LONG time. We did some chair dancing this am -- entertaining and different.
until later...
a rested Diane
irish96@ix.netcom.com

2/13/05 9:24 am & two more in next ten minutes
What a beautiful letter.
Filled with all the pathos and roller coaster emotions of being with someone in early
childhood... or early Alzheimer’s.
so, mother's spirituality is shining through in her illness. and her moods are dancing around.
I love the way that you imagined the childhood banter...
and that that imagination helped to deal with the painful reality
Your compassion and kindness are much appreciated.
I wonder if there is time to put a new mattress in the guest room
or to put in the hospital bed..
must be too early for that.
Would it be too much to move mother's current bed out of the parents room
and into the guess room.
This could reinforce the move for her..
Just some half baked ideas.
thanks for righting ...and all you do including going to the movies...
Great idea.. for balance and sanity ...
one day at a time...
Tom

Sent: Feb 12, 2005 9:28 PM
Much better day today
nice drive to White City -- watched stupid movie Meet the Folders -- nice drive back -- she thanked me for coming to visit and said she loved me (forgot she cussed me yesterday!)-- stopped at Rogue River for a party -- she forgot she was staying here so it was easy for her to walk into the house for the party -- until she found out Dad not coming -- Carol called , Kathy & Shelby came over. Distractions are wonderful. Phone calls and mail have been grand from many.
Margaret gave her foot bath. I got work done on computer.
Mom is thrilled to being going home.
sweet dreams for now --
love & hugs,
Diane


that is the wisdom of it all
"time will tell"
Everything will move slow..
and at the pace that it needs to move.
Thanks for being there.
easy does it.
Tom

Diane,
well the movie was stupid but maybe a distraction.
Normal to want to go home of course
While she is still able..
or almost able to stay there.
Party and celebrations are so important..
and so valuable..
Glad that you all are doing them...
Enjoy the trees and green hills of Oregon..
Peace,
Tom

2-13 10:16am
Just finished waffles (Mom) & oatmeal (me). Margaret's at church and Mom & I are waiting for our time to leave. She's meandering around the house looking in drawers(for bobby pins) and things on counters -- I hear her opening and closing stuff but will leave her exploring and getting to feel more comfortable in this house. This morning was awesome. She decided to try a shower here. We (Margaret and I) put a lawn chair half in & out of the shower with LOTS of towels on the floor. It worked great and she thoroughly enjoyed it. I blew dried her hair and she laughed at the style. She thanked Margaret many times for being able to stay at her beautiful home. Margaret told her that she was welcomed to stay the rest of her life. She said she'd probably have to go to a rest home. Margaret said her home is a rest home for Mom. The conversation stayed positive even as we touched on not seeing Dad every day but every few days. Before getting out of bed she was ready to read the riot act to Dad for going home without her...it wasn't normal. I said it IS normal when two people get old and sick and need help. She's been hearing this type of thing all week and part of it is gradually sinking in...especially in the mornings which is her BEST time.
She slept WELL last night -- only got up three times.
Time to pack up this computer and the car and move on the next adventure. --
Love & prayers,
Diane

2/14/05 2:39pm
Susan came and visited a short time before we left for church. In the car Mom asked if I remembered how stubborn Susan used to be. I said yes and that she’s changed hasn’t she. Mom said that she’s a pleasure to be around. Sue’s stopped by twice in the last 2 ½ days I’ve been there even though it’s her work days….one of the benefits of being in RR – many short visits by many people.
Mom thought she was in RR visiting me since I was up from CA – at the Moment, her ‘vacation’ at Margaret’s is gone. We were a bit late for church and so was Dad…. We couldn’t have planned it better if we tried. Dad walked Mom into church (hand on her back) just like they do every week. They held hands through most of the service. Mom leaned over and asked Dad questions when she couldn’t hear (as usual).
I let Mom assume all the bags were mine in the car and unpacked her stuff while she was busy in the kitchen eating coleslaw and drinking her green tea. Conversation is minimal but pleasant, very routine, between Mom & Dad. Al Jolson is singing in the background Dad is putting out garbage – normal Sunday routine. When Dad & I were far away from Mom, Dad did tell me that it IS better for Mom to sleep in her own bed – that way she probably won’t fall out as easily and it won’t be confusing to find the bathroom. IF he needs more sleep, he will go in the guest room. So I, of course, made Mom’s bed.
Later – back from a great meal at Wild River Brew Pub. They go often enough that Dad picked up the menus, and Noah (the waiter) brought Mom a cup of tea with milk and brought Dad a glass of beer with a lemon wedge, a glass of 7 up (no ice) and an empty glass. Not many people remember they’re unique drink orders! We chatted about music, piano, sound studios with computers (Noah’s passions), my family & dog, tile displays at SF airport, great food and service, ideal round tables (we were at one) versus rectangular tables – an upbeat and lovely atmosphere.
At home we all sat and watched the Sid Caesar video from the Peppers. The first few episodes were hilarious. I think Mom & I laughed harder then normal just because Dad was laughing SO much.
We took a little break then watched Sleeping in Seattle(recommended by Dad for the story and great music) – Dad with us sometimes or watching it in the kitchen as he ate potato soup. I rubbed Mom’s knees/legs and crocheted some leprechaun feet. Mom & Dad went to bed around 8:30pm. I got Mom in bed and turned on their music. Dad came along and tucked in her feet and verified that the night lights were on for her.
The ONLY mention of being in RR was about trips in general – Mom wondered if they should have a dog again for company. Dad said we had enough dogs while we were younger and named them. I said Mom could visit Kathy’s dog. Mom said she didn’t like to visit in Rogue River (RR). It was too pleasant a day to ruin it with reality.
I can’t get onto the internet with this computer – need my kids to help set up the connections and it’s too late to call them so this will have to wait. I connected with my work just fine and finished up the jobs I needed to do while on ‘vacation’. Good night to all!
Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s almost 8am. Mom just got up! Dad got up about an hour ago, turned on the heat, went to the bathroom, and then back to bed. Last night Dad helped Mom out of bed at 11:30pm and I helped her back into bed. I didn’t hear either of them the rest of the night!!! Will find out what that means later… Later-Dad said she woke up three more times but didn’t need any help. He said it was the best night she’s had in a long time (sounded like he was relieved) and her cough was gone. He said it’s probably due to a week away and maybe the Chinese medicine. Got some herbs from Raven that I’ve used for the last two nights.
Mom & I exercised to some chair dancing videos. She verified information that she didn’t know if it was a dream or real. Mom-wasn’t I supposed to sleep in the other room so Dad could get some sleep. Me-You were going to but Dad said he would sleep in the other room if he needed extra sleep. Mom-oh, how nice. I dreamed that a little girl asked me how I got my black eyes and she looked so funny when I told her I fell out of bed. Me-that really happened at church yesterday. Mom-how long have I been losing my mind. Me-it’s been gradually going for a few years -and it’s called dementia. Mom-how did I get it. Me-I don’t know. Mom-can a doctor do anything to make it go away. Me-you’ve been to the doctor about it more then once and there’s nothing more to do. Mom-poor Tom. Mom-how long are you staying? Me-I’m going home tonight. Mom-then Dad and I will have the house to ourselves. Me-Susan will come and keep you company. Mom-why? Me-because you and Dad need a hand. Mom-how long has this been going on. Me-since last Oct, about five months. Mom-where do I live? Me-Grants Pass, Oregon. Mom- oh yes I remember that.
Get dressed. Breakfast-oatmeal with blueberries. Dad had to remind me to get the vitamins and prune. Mom, of course, wants to help since she’s ‘not an invalid’. So I gave her the bag of prunes to take one out and she meanders around the kitchen wondering what the yellow papers are. Dad hears her asking, gets frustrated when she takes them off the cabinet(because she throws things away or rearranges ‘em -- like her DNR orders!), grabs his glasses, goes over to read them for her since he thinks she doesn’t have her glasses (but they’re in her pocket), tells here the yellow papers are a grocery list and phone numbers for Margaret, Susan, neighbors, etc. She can hear his anger and responds to it. Mom-“ I just wanted to read them. I have my glasses. We’re going to be here by ourselves. We should be nice to each other.” Dad goes back to the bedroom and puts the soothing music up loud. Mom finally sits down to her oatmeal muttering that she’s going to have her hands full. I’m finished with my oatmeal so come to get dressed (and type this).
Mom & I just spent the morning traffic court trying to pay a fine for not putting up the handicap sign while at the movies the other day. The $360 fine is reduced to $20 since we have one…but we beat the original ticket to court so have to wait awhile and mail the $20 in since they now have a copy of the handicap sticker. Then we meandered around the mall and ate chicken & black bean burritos for lunch – didn’t know she like that type of food – she said she didn’t know it either.
Time to make broccoli/coleslaw and rhubarb. The queen is requesting some company.
Thanks Warren for the internet connection!
I’m heading home in a few hours….
Oregonians will take over the labor of love as before….
Hugs,
Diane

2/14/05 2:56pm
Among your many gifts.
You are a good writer.
Sounds like the re-entry is going well.
I read up to the part of Dad checking to tuck in Mom's feet and see that the light is on.. for her.
Also, than the email cut off..
I like Dad's reflection..that he might move to the guest room..
p.s. the mattress is quite soft in guest room...he may need to buy a firmer mattress.
thanks for writing. and thanks for all you do for the folks.
easy does it.
Tom

2/16/05 7pm
boots... you did good thanks..... q....hope you got enough sleep... Mom was up 8 times last night.... Took her to the dove and then up here waited for Shelby and Margaret to return her at 17.... She was not a happy camper and sat in car for two hours.... Then finally came out smiling ate and let me cut her hair... Mom this is not all about you anymore... we have a life too.... We need to help Kathy too... ahhh ok hopefully it will last.... Dad agreed to let her come to Rogue River once monthly for a week... thanks again...q

2/17 7pm
Hi--I spent the last 24 hours with the folks--Mom physically seems to be doing better--but mentally she had some weak Moments-
Dad looks a bit tired--but much better then a few weeks ago--he was thrilled to chat with Matthew today--so was I--a bright spot in the AM while Mom and I were exercising--then we went grocery shopping and over to RR to pick up Shelby--then for pizza--goodwill and to my house waiting for Susan to take her back to GP--we are trying to get her more used to RR and having her here every afternoon we can--with the weather getting nicer--it is easier--since someone is usually out and able to chat with her--or at least she can watch them--when she refuses to get out of the car!-not much new--all seems to be status quo for now—love Margaret

2/18 7pm
Greeting.... Fri night..... Mom woke up two days ago and said her mind had been in a "fog for a bit, but I could go home.all was well...” this am she woke up, after getting up 5 times with her during the night and she says as I’m making her tea...."Am I related to you...?"Indeed you are and so are you to Margaret... her reply' I don't believe you... ok lets go plant some flowers and the conversation goes to the weather... my observation are that physical they are both doing better.... However Dad is becoming a bit tough on her and only minimally taking to her...he agrees that she is to come to RR once a week every month... Mom was back in RR with me at 1420 to pick up Shelby and she actually got out and sat on the porch visiting, crocheting and reading... this works so much better...we made progress. the first few days she sat in car waiting for someone to drive her to her man... David had 3 suppers this week...he is a happy man.... Nice chatting with you tom.... Blessing q
From: Margaret Peterson Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2005 5:53 PM
Hi--I spent the last 24 hours with the folks--Mom physically seems to be doing better--but mentally she had some weak Moments-
Dad looks a bit tired--but much better then a few weeks ago--he was thrilled to chat with Matthew today--so was I--a bright spot in the AM while Mom and I were exercising--then we went grocery shopping and over to RR to pick up Shelby--then for pizza--goodwill and to my house waiting for Susan to take her back to GP--we are trying to get her more used to RR and having her here every afternoon we can--with the weather getting nicer--it is easier--since someone is usually out and able to chat with her--or at last she can watch them--when she refuses to get out of the car!-not much new--all seems to be status quo for now--love Margaret
2/19 2:40pm
Here Mom and I are in RR--brought Jon’s computer back--so he can fix it---anyway--I agree with Q--physically Mom and Dad doing better--especially Mom--her walking, moving are more independent--and her potty is doing well too--no more need for depends--she always makes it to the toilet--
Dad does seem more impatient/short with Mom--allot more than he used to----I too prefer her being in RR--easier for me and Q---love Margaret

2/20 8pm
It is Sunday night and I am home and grateful to be here--tomorrow is a day off and I get it to myself--and baby I am dancing! --
Anyway Kathy and shell went out to church and to eat with folks--Sheila and Dan and Joey are in town--they stopped by for lunch with the folks --on their way to cave junction to see Dan’s family---so I got a nice reprieve--Susan is over there tonight--through Wednesday afternoon--then I go back on through next Monday AM--
Susan is going to talk to Dad about getting help and paying Lori and Sara if they are interested--
Will also talk with him about cutting back on 24 hour watch--Mom is doing better--it is Dad's patience that is thinning--but there certainly are times during the day that Mom is just sitting there watching TV, crocheting, reading and there is no reason why Susan or I have to be there too--it is a low time and we may take a few hours off --especially in the AM--if it works out for Dad---
Love Margaret

2-27 1pm
I am home for a few hours--Q went to church and to lunch with folks--her last opportunity before she leaves for Maupin (Kevin’s and Mind’s and Kayden's) and then Argentina-
Last night was a medium night for Mom--she was up about 5 times--the night before she was up about 1,000 times--the 2 nights before that she was up on 2 or 3 times---why the difference-who knows????? Yesterday Kathy and Shelby and Evan took grandma out to a movie and for pizza--so I had an afternoon break then too--I thought Mom would sleep like a baby cause she was soo tired last night--but no luck--and then the last 2 mornings she has been up between 7:30 and 8:15 AM--very unusual for her--o welllll
She comes to my house Tuesday afternoon till the next Tuesday--start lining up some dinner/early evening phone calls to support her bad times--I have been talking to her about coming over and she has not fought it--but she will never remember that we talked about it--although I will remind her--Dad is going to pay 10 a hour for any one who sits for her--we are going to try Sara, Lori, Joel or whomever wants--so I can work a little more---will wait and see how it goes---
Not much new--we do the same routine day in and day out---love Margaret

2/17 2pm
I was walking with heather one day recently and she thought she came up with the perfect plan for grandma/pa caretaking--I think it sounded great--but not perfect--her plan is --there are 8 children--everyone take a full month and then no one gets to tired or burned out--then we rotate the next 8 months--sounds like a good spread to me--anyone interested?
Then there are the families with young children--I know--so that leaves 5 of us to rotate a month each--still sounds good to me--
Or another thought would be if we could get Mom to go to ABQ for 3 months---which would be so awesome from my perspective!
Perhaps we could think about this in the late summer/early fall---- thoughts. ideas?--
This lady with congestive heart failure is going to live longer than expected!
Love Margaret